From Deseret News archives:

The mail may go at snail velocity

Published: Thursday, June 28, 2007 12:15 a.m. MDT
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Question: Is snail mail ever literally slow as a snail?

Answer: Snail mail will cross the North American continent in a few days, averaging maybe 60 mph. Make that overnight mail and this doubles to 120 mph or so. It would take a snail going .006 mph (.1 inch per second) half a century to make the same journey. However, mail something to your neighbor down the street and next-day delivery will put it there at an average speed of maybe 30 feet per hour — literally the speed of a snail.

Question: Hospitalized, you overhear the doctor tell your family, "I think we can say about Mr. Smith's condition that it's all downhill from here." Reason for hope, or should you check to make sure your life insurance is paid up? What's the usage doctor's prognosis?

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Answer: Ambiguous at best, because ""going downhill" is one of those phrases that can go both ways, says Mark Davidson in "Right, Wrong and Risky: A Dictionary of Today's American English Usage." Things can be getting increasingly better — you'll be coasting — or increasingly worse — everything is deteriorating. Maybe the doctor's being deliberately vague with your family, or isn't up on the nuances of language. At least he didn't say "It's all uphill from here."

Question: Among all lovers, who generally are rated as above average in appearance, intelligence, warmth and sense of humor, as well as being open-minded, outgoing and confident, i.e., total "winners"? Conversely, who gets tagged as below average in the same categories, not to mention closed-minded, unstable and disagreeable?

Answer: The latter are likely our past lovers compared with our current flames, as revealed in surveys by social psychologist Glenn Geher and researcher Faby Gagne, says "New Scientist." But these findings must represent distorted perceptions, Geher notes, because "it can't be the case that the 300 people we studied all happened to now be with ideal mating prospects, while all their 300 prior partners were duds."

Yet this self-delusion probably serves a critical purpose: People who dump hardest on their past lovers tend to be the ones happiest with their current partners, says Geher. Adds Gagne, eulogizing their qualities heightens at "crunch time," such as when deciding whether to have kids.

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