Gay LDS men detail challenges

A group of Latter-day Saint counselors and therapists got some up-close insight Thursday during a panel discussion at the Joseph Smith Memorial Building into the challenges faced by gay LDS men who marry.

Speaking to a standing-room-only audience, three LDS couples described their experiences with their heterosexual marriages, despite the fact that each of the husbands experience what they call same-sex attraction, or SSA. They said while they are basically happy, navigating the emotional and physical aspects of their relationships requires constant hard work.

All emphasized that marriage is not a "cure" for same-sex attraction.

They were panelists during the semiannual meeting of the Association of Mormon Counselors and Psychotherapists.

Because of the nature of the discussion, none of the participants wanted their identities publicized. Their names have been changed for this story.

Each of the men described a childhood that included being labeled as a "golden boy" by their peers and church leaders — a devout Latter-day Saint young man eager to learn and obey the faith's teachings with respect to marriage and family, and to serve an LDS mission.

All said they had at least one episode of feeling sexually attracted to girls during adolescence or when they returned from their missions. But a variety of factors came into play for each, both during adolescence and in dating young women, that had them wondering how they could possibly marry and have children, as their church teaches.

"Brett" said he had so internalized LDS teachings about chastity and morality as a young man that the thought of having a sexual relationship with a woman "was repulsive. I was disgusted by the female anatomy."

He was emotionally attracted to female friends, but couldn't get beyond the physical repulsion, and avoided holding hands or kissing women he dated. Dating his future wife off and on for an extended period, the more serious she became, the more "my same-sex desires came out. That's when I started getting into pornography" and other behaviors, "which only perpetuates the problem," he said.

Desperate to end the emotional pain, he confided in her, expecting the relationship to end. Instead, "she reacted very, very well. She looked at me and said, 'Are you crazy? That doesn't change the fact that I love you."' She began going to counseling with him, and they eventually married.

She didn't pressure him for physical intimacy once she realized the issue. Meantime, he found a male mentor who had been through the same experience and was able to provide detailed explanations and counsel.