"Legislators Eliminate Public Parking" Utah lawmakers revealed plans to eliminate all public parking spaces around the capital, and are discouraging the UTA from providing a service to the area. "Having all these people milling around, trying to talk to us, expressing their opinions, is a nuisance and gets in the way of doing the public's business," stated one legislator.

"Hatch Acknowledges Contributions of Others" Sen. Orrin Hatch went to great lengths to explain to the media that his colleagues, staff and community leaders were responsible for the passage of all his important legislation. "I played a minimal role and was just a bit player," he said.

"Cook Refuses to Run" Perennial candidate Merrill Cook announced that he will not be a candidate for any political office in the future. The former congressmen said that he was tired of politics and wanted to live out the rest of his life in quiet anonymity.

"Utah County Leaders Seek Diversity" Community and political leaders from Utah County are concerned about the dominance of white Mormons in the area. "We have sent recruiting teams across the planet to encourage people of different color, creed and sexual orientation to move to Provo and Orem," stated one official.

"Bennett Announces Retirement" U.S. Sen. Bob Bennett announced that he will retire from the U.S. Senate sometime this year. "2 1/2 terms is long enough for anyone. We need to provide opportunities for young political aspirants to serve the state, so I'm getting out of the way," Bennett said.

"Unitarians Express Affection for LDS" Local Unitarian leaders have issued a communication saying they actually like and admire Mormons. "We realized that it is discriminatory to hate someone solely because of their faith. We are pleased to accept our LDS neighbors as fellow humans," observed a church leader.

"Bishop Holds Press Conference" Local media representatives were flabbergasted when Utah Congressman Rob Bishop scheduled and held a press conference to discuss his legislative activities. "This has been an interesting endeavor. I was surprised to learn that reporters can speak English," said Bishop. "It's such a success that some day I might even issue a press release."