"People don't recognize the dynamics of domestic violence," Nolan said. In 30 days, the staff must plant the seeds for an entire paradigm shift — that abusive behavior is not acceptable. And as remedial as that sounds, Nolan said she hears stories every day of victims for whom abuse was the norm.

"It's a learned environment," said West Valley City Police Sgt. Brock Hudson. "We've had 13- or 14-year-old boys who beat up their mom because their dad does."

Consider the 19-year-old woman who was beaten beyond recognition by her husband. "She went to her father, and he said, 'Well, you do tend to run your mouth too much,'" Nolan said.

Or the middle-class woman who came to the shelter after her husband had stabbed her 10 times.

"How long do I have to stay here?" she asked shelter staff. "I'm not one of these people."

And stories like this fuel the questions that make domestic violence so perplexing to advocates and treatment providers.

Why do people stay in abusive relationships?

Why do we hurt the ones we love the most?

How on Earth do you stop this cycle?

It takes time and understanding, said Asha Perek of the YWCA in Salt Lake City. And most of the public — and friends of victims — do not understand the psyche of the abused.

"Friends want to help. They want to dive in and help that person leave the perpetrators. They come from a caring place, but they want that person to fix it and move on," Perek said.

But the victim is in a very different place, she said. "They are traumatized, confused. They are scared and feeling the effects of being isolated."

This difference in outlook often creates rifts between victims and their families and friends.

"That often leads people who are helping to give up or throw up their hands in despair because the victim isn't doing what they think they should," Perek said.

So the road can be long for women coming to full self-confidence and self-reliance.

"It's worth it, though," said one woman who lived in a Park City shelter for two months. "When I got there I was a broken-down drug addict with two kids and black eyes. I thought I was a piece of trash. Now I know I'm not."

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E-mail: lucy@desnews.com