Mom, 3 boys needed help to find safety

Arinda Snyder knew the look, the one her husband flashed just before erupting in a fit of rage that often ended with her getting punched.

She'd just handed him dessert.

As is apparent in so many abusive relationships, it was unclear to the young mother what set off her husband of three years — maybe he'd wanted cream-filled cake and hers was plain, maybe it was the way she'd served it.

"He took it and just threw it at me," she said.

Snyder, 36, soon plotted her escape from American Samoa, where the family had moved a year earlier in hopes of salvaging their marriage. After the cake incident, she knew it wasn't going to work. Most importantly, she feared for the safety of her boys, ages 4, 3 and 10 months.

Arinda Snyder represents hundreds of Utah women prying themselves from abusive relationships in order to create a healthier life for their kids. Some are able to garner the support and fortitude to leave. Others aren't. Research shows adult victims leave their offending intimate partners eight times before leaving for good.

But Snyder's is a success story. It also demonstrates the tenacity with which some adult victims must pursue a new life.

"It's hard because I never really believed that I would be in that situation," she said recently from her home. "But once you are there, it's so hard to get out."

She did, with the help of allies in Samoa and strength she wasn't sure she had.

Her boss at the school where she worked in Samoa took in Snyder and the boys for nearly three months. On the day they were to fly off the island, the airplane was overbooked. In a panic, Snyder called the territory's assistant attorney general, whom she had come to know through an acquaintance at work. That woman put Snyder's family up in a motel.

It was a terrifying time for her.

The moment when someone leaves an abusive situation is the most dangerous. She worried her husband or his large, extended family would find her and prevent her from leaving.

But two or three days later, the assistant attorney general sneaked Snyder, her boys and eight pieces of luggage to the airport. A hydraulic lifter put them in the belly of the plane so they wouldn't have to walk across the tarmac.