The abusers — They usually find blame hard to accept

"Drugs," he said, adding that both he and his then-girlfriend struggled with drug problems. "She railroaded me out of my house."

Gehlen said he and his girlfriend did argue the day the police came. Reminded of details in the police report, he says that's not really what happened. Asked what did happen, he concedes he probably did grab the phone and he probably did threaten her. But he said he's not a violent man.

"There's no hands-on in any of my charges. It's all verbal. I know better than to hit a woman," he said.

Gehlen said said he grew up with sisters and has daughters. He has been married three times. "I have relationship issues," he said. But, he said, hitting women, including his recent girlfriend, isn't one of them.

"She's not the victim," he said. "I am."

Four days after that interview, Gehlen was arrested for possession of drug paraphernalia and taken back to jail.

Next month, Gehlen will stand trial in district court for two other domestic violence-related charges that occurred at the same address. He also is charged with violating a protective order.

· · · · ·

Offenders tend to minimize and deny, said Gina Painter, a licensed clinical social worker with Salt Lake County Probation Services.

"To me that shows someone who knows that it's wrong," she said.

They typically avoid responsibility for their actions, said psychologist Steve Kay. They fault the victim by saying "She's crazy" or "She made me do it." They blame it on being drunk or high.

Victims are the opposite. They blame themselves and see the violence as their fault. They think if they did better, they wouldn't have been hit. Perpetrators know that and prey on it.

· · · · ·

"The perp probably grew up in a house where this is acceptable, and unfortunately you often have a victim who grew up in a house where it happened, too." — John Baxter, Justice Court judge

· · · · ·

Hitting a spouse or girlfriend doesn't stem from a bad relationship or unmanaged anger. It all comes down to two things, said Amy Jensen, who worked with offenders, victims and children in a Salt Lake supervised-visitation center.

"It's an addiction to power and control," she said. "They get a rush from it just like if I shot up with heroin."

Substance abuse, mental-health problems and the availability of weapons are factors in domestic abuse but not the cause, social scientists say.