Her son is just starting counseling because he recently remembered the violence he witnessed as a toddler.

"You don't think of the children sometimes," she said. "They are too little. You think they weren't listening. You think they aren't impacted, but they are."

"That's what I tell the women I work with, 'You think they are asleep when this is happening, but they may not really be sleeping."

— Lucinda Dillon Kinkead

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A divorced Salt Lake Valley woman has seen domestic violence drag down two of her now-teenage children. For more than 10 years, the children have regularly visited their remarried dad, whose relationship with his wife is highly volatile. The children have watched them fight, argue and hit.

"I think they've just been so confused," she said

Saying she's not trying to sound like a bitter ex-wife, the woman attributes her children's current behavior directly to what they have seen and heard at their dad's house.

"He wasn't really violent with me, but he had the potential to be," she said. "It was spiritual and emotional abuse. It was really more subtle."

The mother, who didn't want to be identified, said the chaos has made it difficult for her children to have appropriate relationships with members of the opposite sex. They tend to gravitate toward peers from dysfunctional families.

She once asked her daughter why. Her answer was, "They understand me."

Her teenagers aren't comfortable with life running smoothly. "When things are going well, they will either consciously or subconsciously try to create problems," she said.

Both teenagers, who come from a religious background and a nice neighborhood, have turned to drugs and alcohol. They have run away from home. They have little interest in religion.

"I'm unsure about their future," the mother said.

She has tried to get her son and daughter into counseling, but their father dissuaded them. She also has called the state Division of Family Services a couple of times, but the agency wouldn't intervene.

"I've thought of moving to a different country many times, but that's not the answer," she said.

The cycle of abuse suggests the two children could become victims or perpetrators themselves some day. The woman, who works in the domestic violence arena, says her children have "tender personalities." She worries they will become victims.

"Not for one second have I had a concern that they would become perpetrators, and that's not being naive," she said.

— Dennis Romboy

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