'You're fine; you're OK' just doesn't help

A child is crying. The mother approaches her to quiet her and says, "You're fine. You're OK."

I see the scene often.

Unfortunately in pediatrics, we sometimes inflict pain to heal. We cause discomfort with procedures that wound temporarily but protect later.

I hear a lot of screaming children every working day. One afternoon a child sobbed and pleaded not to get shots. Though I knew the health benefits, it was sad to hear the intensity of her negotiations. In my "laboratory of human distress," it is powerful to watch parents as they attempt to comfort a tearful child. I remember a father trying to pacify his screaming son with his cell phone when all the child wanted was to be held in his dad's arms. No wonder in midlife crisis, men want a Corvette.

Often, the conversation between child and parent is limited to the parent saying, "You are OK. You are fine."

All of which is baloney.

The child is not all right but terrified or hurt or ticked off enough to shoot the doctor with his own needle.

The bigger question is how does a parent's message teach the child about the world — a world that gets scarier with every news broadcast. Do the parents' dismissing words set against a frightful world create a pronounced, but silent, lifelong insecurity? It is so easy to criticize the crying child as "being a baby." But with that dismissal, do we lose a chance to provide important lessons?

Words do make a difference; even if we can't take away life's misery, we need to say, "We will still be there." Otherwise our words betray our own insecurity. Consider the following:

When we say "You're fine; you're OK," what are we really saying?

You are all right. You are in good hands. You are safe.This pain and fear will pass.

But what about the other potential subconscious messages?

You are OK, because we are telling you how to feel. You are OK, because we say so.

You are OK, because your crying is bothering and embarrassing us.

You are OK, because we were never taught by our parents how to down-regulate.

You are OK, because we don't know how to act to secure you, so we are telling you to be fine.

You are OK, because we can't comfort you, because we are overwhelmed ourselves.