Non-Mormon guide to success in Utah

LaVarr is on vacation this week and has requested that I "go solo." Therefore, expect the following from this week's column: no cheerleading for Mitt Romney; no further mention of the Salt Lake Chamber-sponsored transportation alliance; and no parental supervision of me. Without these burdens, and knowing there will be ample opportunity in the near future to explore the antics of the upcoming legislative session, I hereby offer a different perspective:

The 10 rules for non-Mormons to succeed in Utah — as developed by a native Italian-Irish Catholic Democrat Utahn.

1. Laugh at the culture but never the doctrines. Utah's peculiar society demands mockery. Only the most strait-laced Mormon cannot chuckle at the idiosyncrasies in this community. But the LDS Church does not have a monopoly on unique beliefs. All faiths possess some unusual doctrines and practices (i.e. Evangelicals, Catholics, Orthodox anything.)

2. Forget about dumping the liquor laws, it ain't happening — and shouldn't. I possess some experience in this area. By the age of 21 I had been a bartender and private club cardholder for several years (the miracle of a fake ID). Indeed, it is difficult for me to reflect on my college and law school years because the memories remain in a fog. While some tweaks to restrictions on liquor consumption are needed, I do not understand all the whining and moaning. There are no dry counties. The prohibition against hard liquor in supermarkets has guaranteed that Utah wine stores are well-stocked with quality and a diversity of products. Further, I serve as living proof (sorry for the pun) that one can get a drink in Utah.

3. Guilt is a powerful tool — use it. Mormons believe they live in a guilt-ridden society. Actually, they are rank amateurs when compared to Irish Catholics and Jewish mothers. Because of their history, Mormons hope to be a tolerant and understanding people. This provides opportunities of fun and mischief for those of us who are experienced players, and victims, of the guilt game. By using the right tone and demeanor ("I guess because I'm not of the faith, you're unwilling to understand my position"), you can drive almost any LDS member into despondency and some acquiescence to your request.

4. Quote their heroes. Nothing sows confusion and grudging admiration more than a heathen reciting from the Book of Mormon or LDS authority. When pleading for Democratic causes, I always rely on the wise words of those ancient liberals Alma and King Benjamin. When Republicans get really outrageous, I recall Joseph Smith's phrase "unrighteous dominion." I have become accomplished at referring to Brigham Young on various matters — regardless of whether he actually made a statement on the topic.