Hmong marital traditions stir feuds, controversy

SACRAMENTO, Calif — At the sprawling Hmong New Year celebrations here in November, tens of thousands of American Hmong came to celebrate ancient customs — and perhaps find a mate for themselves or their children.

Hmong of all ages lined up to toss tennis balls to those of the opposite sex — a classic icebreaker and conversation sparker.

As women played catch, many wondered: How big a "wedding gift" will my future in-laws be willing to pay?

Men tossing the balls likely asked themselves: If she's the love of my life, how much will it cost to marry her?

In traditional Hmong culture, the families of a bride and groom negotiate a "wedding gift," "dowry" or "ceremony price" that has averaged $5,000 to $8,000, and has gone as high as $25,000 for a Hmong bride who graduated from Stanford.

Wedding gifts are paid by the groom's family to the bride's parents. The custom has been honored for centuries and serves as a sort of a marriage insurance policy. If a couple divorces and elders decide it's the bride's fault, her family has to return the money. That way, everyone on the bride's side has a vested interest in making the union a lasting one.

The cash also honors a bride's parents for sacrifices they've made in raising a good person whose reputation may enhance the status of the clan she's marrying into.

But as more Hmong become Americanized the rising gift price has triggered feuds and controversy.

Hmong elders report cases of couples who elope because their parents can't agree on the gift price. Others speak of Hmong who ignore the gift price. And heartbreaking stories have surfaced of young Hmong who tried to commit suicide when marriage negotiations collapsed.

To minimize the strife caused by rising gift prices, a national Hmong council representing all 18 clans or Hmong family groups hammered out a code that caps the price at $5,000, plus another $800 for other wedding expenses, such as food.

The cap was published in the first-ever "Hmong Traditional Culture Procedural Guide," a 31-page booklet unveiled in July 2005 at a gathering of 500 Hmong leaders in Fresno, Calif.

Tony Lao distributes copies of the codes at his Lo Market in Sacramento. Lao, who has married off three daughters and a son, was one of the first Hmong to propose banning the gift price altogether — but his efforts were thwarted by clan elders.