The holiday season is always tough. But it is more difficult when you deal with death, divorce or those awful words, "I don't love you anymore!"

Many times death takes us by surprise. Even though we know in our hearts that it has to happen, it is never easy. This is why we need to take very good care of ourselves. Depression slips up on us, too. Death of a spouse or a child is probably the toughest thing anyone has to face. My heart goes out to you who are mourning.

The holidays bring out another type of loneliness and stress; Divorce! As perfectionists, we feel like failures, because we just couldn't make it work, but do we ever try! We put up with all sorts of things because we do not want to be considered a failure by ourselves or the rest of the world. So in other words you were putting yourself and your children through this stress because of what others would think. Those other people are not living in your home and have no clue what you had to deal with. We have to dismiss those feelings of failure because if we don't, we will be stuck in that time warp forever. We all make mistakes, and there are no perfect marriages. So forgive and get on with your life: Even if you have been hurt deeply. Forgiveness is the greatest healer.

Then we make the holidays even harder on ourselves by trying to have the perfect celebration. Let me tell you, make the most of your time with your family; it doesn't have to be on that particular day. Relieve the stress by letting go of the ideal holiday and turn the day you choose into your celebration. It makes the holidays last longer. No more crash and burn all in one day; we will be having lots of mini holiday get-togethers. Your children will thank you, because they will not be pressured to show up at your house.

If you are going to be alone on Christmas Day then get over yourself and get out there and volunteer somewhere. Plan a little celebration for your friends that have no place to go. Instead of feeling sorry for yourself get up and do something to help others. That is the fastest way I know to get off your pity pot. Be thankful for what you have, and bless others! You can always find others who are in need if you will just take your eyes off of yourself and focus on someone else. When we are feeling like this our homes fall to pieces around us, too. They are just a symptom of depression. Set your timer and go get dressed to the shoes. Then do 15 minutes in the kitchen, shining your sink.

The holidays can be rough, but only if we wallow in our self-pity. My step-grand mother told me on her death bed, "Marla, don't cry for me, because your tears are not really for me; they are because you will be feeling sorry for yourself. Celebrate my life!"

Let's commit to celebrating all of our days, not just the ones that are set aside as holidays. Make your home huggable, and when you feel yourself starting to get down in the dumps; I want you to set a timer. Go put on some decent clothes, fix your hair and face. Take care of yourself. Nine times out of 10 when you start to feel this way; you have not gotten enough sleep, eaten a good balanced meal, had enough water or you have crashed and burned by not taking breaks. If you feel yourself wanting to isolate and CHAOS is reigning in your home, call someone to come over. If you know of someone who is hurting; pick up the phone and invite them to do something with you, even if it is just a snack and coffee. Many a heart has been poured out at a kitchen table. Open up your doors to those heart-to-heart talks. Don't assume that they are doing OK. On the other hand those of you in pain, people can't read your minds, either. You need to reach out and touch someone, too. Please take care of yourselves now more than ever.

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For more help getting rid of your CHAOS; check out: www.flylady.net. Also see Cilley's book, "Sink Reflections" and her new book, "Body Clutter." Copyright 2006 Marla Cilley Used by permission in this publication.