That is why you and I stopped perusing them the instant we could get away with it.

Well, that has changed, thanks in no small part to the California Department of Food and Agriculture, where somebody finally had the courage to stand up and say, "Darn it, why CAN'T nematodes be interesting?" The result is this exciting coloring book, "The Great Big World of Nematodes."

Nematodes, in case you forgot, are these tiny worms that you can't see, thank goodness. According to the coloring book, there are a LOT of them. As the main character in the book, a worm named "Nema," states: "There are billions and billions like me that live on this planet." Apparently this is a good thing, although we personally here at the Gift Guide do not see why.

Earshadze

Cost and availability unknown. Purchased at a dollar store near the Key Largo, Fla., public library. Suggested by Barbara Hampson-Keller of Homestead, Fla.

Ask any leading medical authority what is the single most important thing you can do for your health, and that authority will answer: "Protect your ears from the sun." Unfortunately, too few of us heed this advice, which is why, every year, the tragedy of earburn afflicts more Americans than any other single affliction you will see mentioned in this particular sentence.

What can you do about this, both for yourself and for your loved ones? Nothing. We were going to tell you to buy Earshadze, which are these plastic things that you clip onto your hat so they stick out over your ears, thus transforming yourself, with very little effort, into the world's biggest goober. But it turns out that you can't buy Earshadze anymore. We apparently own the only pair in existence, sent to us by Barbara Hampson-Keller. We're putting them in the Holiday Gift Guide solely to make you eat your heart out.

Ha ha! See you in the Earburn Unit, loser!

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Dave Barry is a humor columnist for the Miami Herald. Write to him c/o The Miami Herald, One Herald Plaza, Miami FL 33132. © Dave Barry; Dist. by McClatchy-Tribune Information Services.