Dave Barry's holiday gift guide

Holiday gift-giving is a tradition that dates back roughly 2,006 years, to when the Three Wise Men went to Bethlehem with gifts of gold, frankincense, and myrrh for the Baby Jesus. Of course the next day the Virgin Mary returned these items for store credit, because she was a low-income mother with a newborn, and as the old saying goes, "You can't diaper a baby with frankincense."

But it was too late: The Three Wise Men had started a tradition. And in keeping with that tradition, this holiday season millions of people will spend billions of dollars to buy gifts that their friends and loved ones do not need.

For example, one holiday season seven or eight years ago, we here at the Holiday Gift Guide bought our wife a 75-pound coffee-table book on impressionist art. It may actually have been closer to 80 pounds. Whatever the actual weight, our wife definitely did not want or need it. We seriously doubt she has looked at it, or even tried to lift it, since the day we gave it to her. It is probably the least necessary thing she owns.

You may laugh, but you probably are no better. We bet you have bought all KINDS of comically unnecessary holiday gifts for people, to reciprocate for the comically unnecessary gifts that you know they're going to give to you. That is the spirit of the holiday season.

And that is what the Annual Holiday Gift Guide is all about. Our mission, here at Gift Guide Strategic Holiday Command Center, is to assemble a roster of gift concepts that no actual human being could possibly need; gift concepts that not only surprise the recipients, but sometimes cause them to sprint to the bathroom.

We find these items through an exhausting and highly demanding process that we call "reading our e-mail." Throughout the year, people from all over the earth and beyond send us gift suggestions.

Let's get to our first Gift Guide item, which is the:

Butthead Game

$12.98 plus shipping and handling from The Lighter Side, P.O. Box 25600, Bradenton, FL 34206-5600, 800-232-0963; www.lighterside.com; Suggested by Virginia Hullen of Hialeah, Fla.

This is a game that consists of two hats with sticky strips, and some foam balls. You put on a hat, and your opponent puts on the other hat, then you try to get the balls stuck on your opponent's head. This game is a boatload of fun for the whole family, except the kids, who will put themselves up for adoption if you make them wear these hats.

Cruzin Cooler

$349 and up, plus shipping and handling, from Yachtsee.com, 16458 Bolsa Chica St., No. 404, Huntington Beach, CA 92649-2603, 888-774-7372; www.yachtsee.com/cruzincooler.htm. Suggested by Tom Snyder and Margaret A. Bogie of Chantilly, Va.

There can be no question that the three greatest inventions in the history of mankind are: