A fall from grace — Pastor's story is cautionary tale for others who think they can live a lie

When he became a Christian later and got married, he began to see what living a double life was costing him with God, his wife and family. His wife didn't know he was struggling. "Most wives don't," he said. Rather than being confronted with his secret life and forced to confess, Stoeker said he decided his manhood was at stake if he failed to change and become what God had intended for him.

He said he believes many men are able to "compartmentalize sexual sin" as something separate and apart from their role as husbands, fathers and church leaders. "They can love their wives and kids and have this secret silo for them emotionally that doesn't connect with anything else. It's very easy for a guy to be in sin and give himself a pass by saying it's not affecting anything else."

Haggard's success likely fed his belief that he wasn't vulnerable and a complacency about his duality, he said. It was also a double-edged sword when it came to owning his actions. "When you're a great pastor with a lot of acclaim, you couldn't tell someone even if you wanted to, because if you do, you lose your position, your family, your reputation. It becomes a real lonely whirlpool they're in," even for church leaders who aren't prominent enough to end up on the evening news.

Yet he's not advocating quick absolution. "If we kind of just give people a pass, that's the death knell of Christianity. The day we stop looking at sin and calling it sin, we're finished. It's great that people say 'it's his sin and I've got mine so I don't throw stones.' But the church has been too silent about sexuality for too long," Stoeker said.

Haggard's story is a cautionary tale for others who believe they can live a lie unscathed, he said. "If you don't deal with it, you must come into judgment at some point. God's deal is that he doesn't care that Ted is famous or not, what he cares about is Ted getting closer to him and walking more like Christ. When the day comes God says 'I've been trying to get your attention,' he will. And you always pay a price."

Guilt, shame and a realization that "you're not making the connection with God at church" in the same way were part of the price Stoeker paid, in addition to living in fear that if his wife found out, she might leave or it would ruin their relationship. So he kept his distance from her. "I couldn't let myself get committed. I couldn't pray with her. She was way too pure and way too kind. Kneeling down next to her, I wasn't able to connect spiritually with her."

He cried at the thought of his 2-year old son coming to idolize him. Breaking out of a double life took hard work, complete humility and a lot of time.

And that's the reality for Haggard, the Rev. Johnson said. "It will be a long time before he'll ever pastor again, if ever." But the episode gives observers the chance to examine themselves and their motives — and to evaluate their level of compassion for fellow sinners, he said.

Some Evangelicals have chosen to see Haggard's fall as "an act of mercy, that when we're in denial about ourselves, God will use circumstances to expose us," the Rev. Johnson said. Still, he knows there's a gap between his view of Haggard and that of others who have taken similar plunges.

"I can't say I was the most sympathetic when President Clinton got caught doing what he was doing. I was less than compassionate — his role was different. But the principle still applies that if we're real honest with ourselves, there are demons in every person's life."

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