It's a telenovela idea

KJZZ has found the perfect time to air MyNetworkTV programming — 11 p.m.-1 a.m.

Ch. 14, the local affiliate of the new pseudo-network, won't be airing its programming when the pseudo-network intends — in prime time. But, given that the pseudo-network's programming consists entirely of two campy, sexy, over-the-top, English-language adaptations of Spanish-language telenovelas, KJZZ's scheduling seems absolutely appropriate

MyNetworkTV is Fox's answer to The CW network, sort of: a pseudo-network that airs two six-nights-a-week (Monday-Saturday) soap operas, "Desire" (11 p.m.) and "Fashion House" (midnight) on Ch. 14. They're self-contained, 13-week series that will wrap things up at the end of their 65-episode runs.

If you've ever watched a Spanish-language telenovela — if you've ever seen over-the-top clips of those shows — you have a pretty good idea of what to expect.

• "Desire" is about a pair of brothers, targeted by the Mafia, who move to California, fall for and compete for the same woman until one of them is killed, only he's not really dead, so he comes back and there's more competition ... and so on and so on. It stars, well, pretty much nobody you've ever heard of, with the possible exception of Sofia Milos (who recurred on "CSI: Miami").

• "Fashion House" stars Bo Derek as the witchy (with a "b") fashion mogul who's surrounded by various other characters who are just as bad as she is. The action seems to be centered on Derek calling Morgan Fairchild a name and slapping her and — just for variety — Fairchild calling Derek a name and slapping her.

"She gives a good punch," Fairchild said recently at the TV critics press tour. "I guess there is a certain audience just for cat fights and women rolling around and slapping each other."

Which sort of harkens back to Fairchild's days on "Flamingo Road" and "Falcon Crest" in the '80s.

"Oh, honey, I've been a b---- for so long, I wouldn't know how to do it any other way," she said with a laugh.

Oooooh, this is bad stuff. Sometimes hilariously bad, but bad.

The folks at KJZZ are hoping that MyNetworkTV might evolve into something more appropriate for a more prominent place on their schedule. It probably won't happen anytime soon. Although it was originally announced that the schedule would include some reality programs, those plans have been scrapped.