Hide the 'Family Jewels'

PASADENA, Calif. — After spending a few minutes in a room with Gene Simmons, here are a couple of unsurprising conclusions: First, the KISS rocker has a huge ego. Second, he's hardly an enlightened male of the 21st century.

And one related conclusion: His two teenage children by longtime love (but not wife) Shannon Tweed seem so normal and well-adjusted that it must have a lot to do with Tweed.

It's always amusing to see stars become nonplussed when they walk into a room full of people and don't get applause. (Critics don't applaud anybody.) Appearing to promote his new "Osbournes"-esque reality show, "Gene Simmons Family Jewels" (tonight at 8 and 8:30, A&E), he didn't take it well.

"Listen," Simmons said. "You guys are here for free, so when I wave at you, I want some (expletive) claps. I usually get paid for this crap."

Apparently, he does take crap from his family, however. In response to a question about parenting skills, Tweed — a former Playboy model best known for a series of soft-core porn roles — said, "Yes, tell us about your parenting skills, Mr. Absentee Rock Father."

Simmons agreed. "I just work here. Most of the parenting skills come from . . . Shannon Tweed," he said. "Our household is actually run pretty straight ahead.

"Our responsibility is to protect our kids, supply the money and the structure and the love, and we'll protect them with our lives. Their job is to do well in school and behave, period. This notion of parents having to negotiate with their children . . . is out of the question."

"Plus," Tweed added, "we also didn't focus too much on the little stuff like picking your clothes up off of floor. It's really not that important. We focused more on the important things in life like your school work. I think the kids have their priorities straight — staying sober and paying attention."

Which sounds good. But you've got to wonder what kind of attitudes 14-year-old Sophie and 17-year-old Nick get from their father. And not just because he never married their mother, despite Tweed's obvious desire to make the relationship legal.

Simmons is very protective of his daughter — an admirable trait — but seems much less concerned about the behavior of his underage son.

Asked why he shuns marriage, Simmons responded, "You're a woman. You talk about drapes and fabric. We don't know that stuff."

As the interview was ending, Simmons announced, "We urge you to jot this down, you men out there."

At which point Nick rolled his eyes and said, "Oh, boy, here we go."

Simmons proceeded with his "very important . . . wake-up call to man."

"Man must return," he said. "We build the highways. This building you're in? Man built it. Men, men, we build. We work. Men. Go back to being men. Thank you. Good night."

No, good-bye.

ONE OF THE SMARTEST things I've ever heard anybody say on press tour came from 17-year-old Nick Tweed-Simmons. In response to a question about his interest in music, the teenager said it was only a "hobby." That he has other interests.

"They say greatness skips a generation," he said, "but I think that's because the generation before helps too much."

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E-mail: pierce@desnews.com