Agents of change — Faith and personal strength help women break abuse cycle

Whether the will to stand up against evil and pain is inborn, or springs from an embryo of hurt deep inside the human heart, it seems to grow slowly for many whose family dynamics include a secret kind of dysfunctional behavior — sometimes spanning generations.

For those who succeed in breaking the cycle of abuse or addiction, there is at least one common denominator, according to counseling professionals: They found the courage to tell the truth — to themselves and others — and they finally said, "Enough. I don't want to live this way any more."

By doing so, they become change agents for themselves, and often for their families, by working to excise the dysfunction they experienced in their childhood homes. Most do so despite cultural taboos about discussing "insider information" that would shame or embarrass family members.

While it can be difficult to explain the seduction of secrecy that accompanies addiction as well as physical, sexual, emotional or verbal abuse to those who have never experienced it, four Utah women who have worked at breaking those cycles of dysfunction in their own families recently shared their journeys with the Deseret Morning News.

All have somehow incorporated God into their determination to change long-standing family dynamics. Because of the personal nature of their struggles, their names have been changed for this story.

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Barbara remembers a childhood filled with doctor's offices, hospital emergency rooms and a certain maturity that comes with trying to parent her own mother, who was addicted to prescription painkillers. "I was always taking care of her," she recalls, because her father's vain attempt to provide enough pills for his wife came at a price: He drank, often heavily.

She remembers her mother taking her in the car, looking for her father at area bars when he hadn't come home. "I had to sit on the floor in the back of the car," so no one could see her. He continued drinking, and died at an early age. "I think it killed him, worrying about paying for her meds.

"I had ulcers in the fourth grade," she remembers, noting her older brothers simply sought escape from the constant dysfunction by spending most of their time away from home. "I decided when I grew up, I wasn't going to get into any of that kind of stuff, and I've never done prescription meds, ever."

Her grandmother had been an alcoholic, and years of watching the toll it took on her extended family convinced Barbara that "it wasn't a lifestyle I wanted to bring along for my kids." She didn't keep those family secrets from her own children but openly talked about the dangers of addiction, with them and her brothers.