Which are you? Beloved queen or despised dictator? The tone of your voice says it all!

Why do we torture our family with hurtful words? I can tell you why! You are so stressed out and feeling like a martyr! This has got to stop! We can help you get rid of the stress, but it is up to you to curb those angry words. Follow our directions for your routines, getting dressed to shoes, hair and face, and read our essays.

It is up to you to change your attitude toward your family! Once you change your martyred outlook to one of blessing your family and giving teaching moments, you will see a change in them. I know that you don't believe me, but you can only change yourself. It is by your example that your family will begin to help and support your efforts to secure a peaceful home.

What does your wicked tongue do to your children and your spouse and you?

• It doesn't tell them you love them.

• It makes them feel less than, it hurts their self-worth.

• They feel that they have no say in things.

• It makes your husband feel that he is married to his mother! I don't even want to go there.

• They feel like servants instead of family members.

• Harsh words are worse than a whipping.

• You cut your family out of the conversational loop. The family is thinking mean thoughts and you can't and won't hear them for fear of retribution from you.

• Home life is based on the fear of not making mother mad.

• Family members hide from you.

• They become afraid to tell you when something happens.

After those words have come from your lips, just how do you feel? Are you laden with guilt, or do you not even realize you are barking nasty remarks their way, oblivious to the torture you have inflicted upon your loved ones?

There is absolutely no excuse for this. I don't want to hear that this is the only way I can get my family to do anything. This is the lie that you tell yourself to not feel guilty.

Your tongue can criticize or it can encourage. The choice is all yours. If you have not changed your attitude, then how can you expect to see a change in them? It has to come from the heart. If not, they will see right through you. They may not even believe it at first, because you will not be sounding like the mother they have been used to all your life. The children may think the aliens have taken their real mother away. Prove to them and their father that you have changed. Sprinkle your words of love, encouragement and teaching all over your home. Apologize for your tongue. Don't play the martyr game anymore. No one loves a martyr. Not even you!

I want you to FLY without the guilt of harsh words holding you down.

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Marla Cilley, a k a FlyLady, is the author of "Sink Reflections" (Bantam Books Trade Paperback). For more help, please go to: www.FlyLady.net. © 2006