Stepfamily setup needs structure

Dear Annie: I am a 33-year-old woman. My husband and I have two daughters, and he is in the process of gaining physical custody of his 9-year-old son, "Ryan," who has lived with us for the last year.

I love this little boy dearly, but he makes life miserable. His mother doesn't see or spend time with Ryan like she should and constantly makes promises she doesn't keep. In return, Ryan cries, throws tantrums, hits and treats everyone in the house terribly. Yesterday, it was so bad, my 11-year-old daughter threw up.

The worst part is my husband is in denial and doesn't see what his son is doing. Ryan purposely starts fights between my husband and me, saying he knows that his mom and dad will get back together someday. Ryan has admitted lying to his mother and grandmother about me and my daughters. When we confront him, he phones his mother to tell her how mean we are and that we pick on him. Worse, his mother has told Ryan that he doesn't have to listen to anyone in our family.

Am I the only one who sees what's going on? I love Ryan and my husband, but my girls and I cannot handle much more. —Fed Up in the Bay Area

Dear Fed Up: Ryan's parents are divorced, and his mother has rejected him. He gets her attention by throwing tantrums, crying and claiming that his evil stepmother treats him terribly. Get the picture?

This boy needs structure and discipline, his mother needs to behave like a responsible adult, and his father must see that the boy's home life is stable, which includes not tolerating inappropriate behavior. Ask your doctor to refer you to a family counselor, and also check out the Stepfamily Association of America (saafamilies.org) at 800-735-0329.

Dear Annie: My husband and I have been married for 25 years and have raised two children. We live in the same small town we grew up in, and like most of our friends and neighbors, we usually leave our doors unlocked when we are home. The problem is my mother. She regularly drops by unannounced and walks right in. She drops in at the most inopportune moments. How can I get her to stop dropping by without hurting her feelings? —Hiding from Mom

Dear Hiding: You can simply ask her, saying you are getting older and the sudden shock of seeing her could give you a heart attack. But if you can't bring yourself to do that, just lock your door.

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Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please e-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, P.O. Box 118190, Chicago, IL 60611. © Creators Syndicate Inc.