Orem teen calls police to get his dope back

Marijuana does a lot of things to people, but increasing their intelligence is not one of them.

They don't call it dope for nothing.

It makes you forgetful. It makes you lazy. It impairs your decisionmaking.

Oh, and it makes you stupid.

To wit (or nitwit): A teenager called Orem police last week to report that someone had broken into his house and stolen something that belonged to him.

That something was marijuana, he told police.

He knew who took it.

He wanted that person caught.

And he wanted the Orem police to help.

The police are still laughing.

It's enough to make Timothy Leary undead. The case has already turned up on Web sites devoted to stupid criminals. There is a lot of competition to earn a spot among America's stupid criminals, but criminals on marijuana have an edge.

This could be exhibit A in the case against legalizing marijuana.

For detective Craig Gaines, it doesn't get any easier than this. All he had to do was ask a couple of questions, starting with: "Did the burglar steal marijuana?"

Gaines guessed as much because the blood trail from the broken window went past valuable property straight to a closet in the back of the house. It looked like the burglar wanted something very specific. It looked like a drug case.

"I can't help you unless I know what was taken," Gaines told the "victim." "Was it marijuana? I know it's illegal, but breaking in is worse."

To Gaines' shock, the man answered, yes, it was marijuana. A quarter pound.

"I really didn't think he'd answer the question," Gaines said. "I'm thinking, Wait a minute, this guy called me because someone stole his marijuana? You gotta be kiddin' me. It just got funny."

It got funnier. Gaines asked the "vic" if he knew who took it. Answer: Yes.

"I was amazed," Gaines said. "Why did he even call?"

Later, police arrested the burglar, who had cut himself on the window, and found the bag of marijuana. All they needed was a little more help from the "vic" to complete this whole business. Gaines called him on the phone and asked him to come to the police station to identify the marijuana.