Stepfamilies are challenge

In this age of divorce and remarriage, new blended families face unexpected obstacles.

Living in a stepfamily has never been easy. Everyone is vulnerable. The more honest parents can be between themselves about how they feel about their own children and each other's, the more effectively they can respond to all the children.

Parents are bound to think that they should feel the same way about their own children and their stepchildren. But they don't. By sharing their different feelings with each other, parents in a blended family can support each other and work toward being fair and understanding with the children.

If it's the father who has remarried, the new mother may seem to ignore the father's children at times when nurturing occasions arise. At mealtime, the father's children may watch who sits next to her to see who gets the first serving from her. They may try to woo the mother instead of waiting for her to reach out. They're bound to feel unequal to the stepmother's children, or, later, to children born of this second marriage.

When a new father comes into the family with his children, the mother's children may behave quite differently. They may resent their stepfather or they may try to woo him. But they'll also realize that he has his "own children" to please. They are likely to tease or fight or try to put stepsiblings down. The other children are bound to fight back or to tattle, putting mother and stepfather in an awkward position.

The timing, frequency and length of visits with the "blended family" will have powerful effects. The longer a child spends with her stepsiblings, the more likely she and they will learn to become friends. This will also be more likely if parents can help all the children feel that they can share their "own" parent without giving up on their own special relationship to that parent.

When parent and stepparent have a biological child together, everything is likely to change. The new baby becomes a symbol of the parents' commitment to their new marriage. Meanwhile, the other children may feel as if they were reminders of mistakes and marriages left behind.

The children of divorce recognize that they are in a more vulnerable position. They may compete with the new child, or they may not dare to. Resentment is bound to underlie their acceptance of the new baby. I would advise parents to expect such feelings, and to give the children permission to voice them.