Oh, for the gift of appetite control

Dear Santa: Since I already have my two front teeth — and my wife might knock them out if I ask for an Xbox 360 — and since you're probably out of iPod Nanos, here's what I'd like for Christmas:

• An article of clothing with a tag that says: "One size fits all — even Jody."

(If your elves can't make one of those, I'll settle for a shirt that has one less "X" before the "L.")

• A piece of low-calorie-but-tasty fruit cake that doesn't include chunks of "nature's candy" that look like they were swept off of grandma's floor after having been stuck in a crevice under the cupboard since World War II

(On second thought, I'd like a piece of fruitcake that doesn't have any fruit in it. Except maybe cherries. Make that chocolate-covered cherries — and, yeah, hold the fruitcake.)

• Appetite controlled by "will power" instead of "will devour" to help me not gain the 76.9 pounds or thereabouts that the average American packs on during the holidays.

• A pair of pants with super powers to battle damage done by villainous Thunder Thighs (the evil cohort of Cottage Cheese Legs).

• A pair of legs that fit into pair of pants not terrorized by aforementioned villains.

• A gig in which I'm paid a lot to yap about how I lost weight on TV (i.e: Jared, Kirstie Alley, Whoopie Goldberg, Anna Nicole Smith, Matt a k a "The Biggest Loser," etc.)

• A gig in which I'm paid a little to yap about not losing weight in the newspaper. (Uh, never mind. I already have that.)

• Enough self-discipline to resist eating a recently constructed gingerbread house.

• A way to break the news to Mrs. Gingerbread Man that I already consumed her husband.

• Exercise equipment that will get used after the first week of January. Used, that is, for something other than collecting dust and dirty laundry.

• A veggie-fruit-water-health-food-craving tooth to replace the sweet one that rules my mouth.

• An anti-Jody force field around snack aisles and soda fountains in gas stations and drive-thru lanes at fast-food joints.