Many parents have bought it. In 2002, the Washington Post Magazine featured a cover story about Eli and Debbie, a handsome, smiling, divorced couple with three preteen daughters. Although their marriage was, according to Debbie, "all in all, an incredibly functional" one, they divorced when she became troubled by their "lack of connection." Three years later, Eli continues to come to Debbie's house every morning to get the girls ready for school and reassure them "that even though Mommy and Daddy aren't married, we're still your parents; we're still there for you, and we still love you." He and Debbie are confident that their "good" divorce will keep their daughters from suffering unnecessarily.

But they're most likely wrong.

Many people incorrectly assume that most marriages end only when parents are at each other's throats. But the reasons can often be far less urgent, like boredom or the midlife blahs. Research shows that two-thirds of divorces now end low-conflict marriages, where there is no abuse, violence or serious fighting. After those marriages end, the children suddenly struggle with a range of symptoms — problems in school, anxiety, depression — that they did not previously have. The waxing and waning cycles of adult unhappiness that characterize many marriages are often not all that obvious to children. For the children of low-conflict marriages, divorce is a massive blow that comes out of nowhere.

Of course, sometimes divorce is necessary, and when it does happen it is certainly better for children not to lose significant relationships entirely, nor to be drawn into bitter, unending fights. But when you talk to the children themselves, you find that rampant "good divorce" talk mainly reflects the wishes of adults, while silencing the voices of children. The divorce debate has long been conducted by adults, for adults, on behalf of the adult point of view, but now the grown children of divorce are telling their own, very different stories.

As a 35-year-old whose parents split up when I was 2, I know that we've barely scratched the surface when it comes to investigating how divorce shapes the inner lives and identities of children. So, along with University of Texas sociology professor Norval Glenn, I recently conducted the first nationally representative study of the grown children of divorce. We surveyed 1,500 young adults 18 to 35 years old, half from divorced families and half from intact families. I also interviewed another 71 young adults in person in four areas of the country.