'Bats' is a bloody mess

Believe it or not, I was actually looking forward to watching CBS's movie "Vampire Bats" when the screening tape arrived. And it turned out to be exactly what I expected it to be.

Horrible.

(But writing reviews about horrible shows is kind of fun.)

Not that this is anything you don't already know if you've seen any of the ads CBS has been running for this made-for-TV movie, which airs Sunday at 8 p.m. on Ch. 2. And it's obvious that nobody at the network and nobody involved in the making of "Bats" is under the impression that this is anything other than horrible.

C'mon, it's a cheesy, ridiculous, overwrought teleflick about killer bats, for goodness sake. The effects are bad, the acting is worse — and it's a sequel of sorts to the equally atrocious "Locusts," which aired earlier this year on CBS.

You may recall "Locusts" as one of those bad TV movies that "Late Late Show" host Craig Ferguson mercilessly mocked. And, lo and behold, Ferguson himself has a cameo role in "Bats."

Despite the fact that he's in the movie for, oh, about two minutes, he's got sixth billing. He's a where-did-that-come-from Scottish fisherman who's fishing in Louisiana, saying things like, "You make a fair point, Popeye" and "C'mon little fishie-wishies." And he gets to scream in terror when the unseen bats descend upon him.

It's hilarious. Which is sporadically the case with "Vampire Bats."

Having survived "Locusts," Lucy Lawless and Dylan Neal are back to face the "Bats." They're college professors in Louisiana whose young, hot students (going for that younger demo) run around in skimpy clothes, have raves and get attacked by mutant bats.

The only thing sillier than that is Brett Butler ("Grace Under Fire") trying to bring her career back from the dead by playing Neal's sister-in-law in a role that appears to have been tacked on to pad out the script.

Plenty of people other than Ferguson get to scream as they're attacked by rubber bats. Oooh, it's deliciously bad in spots — not so much the dull, dreary narrative but the ridiculous attacks.

Obviously, there's an audience out there for badly made horror movies. The Sci Fi Channel makes a living off the things.

And CBS has done quite nicely for itself with "Locusts," "Spring Break: Shark Attack" and "Category 6: Day of Destruction." A week from Sunday, we get the sequel to the latter abomination, titled "Category 7: The End of the World." (Sneak peak: "Category 7" makes "Vampire Bats" look like Shakespeare.)

The casting of Ferguson makes me think — or at least hope — that CBS and the "Vampire Bats" producers have a sense of humor about this movie. I'd hate to think it just means they have a complete and utter lack of respect for viewers.

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E-mail: pierce@desnews.com