Life's tough when you're a pro jock

Terrell Owens, the pro football star, wants a new contract because his current contract pays him an average of only $7 million a year. He says the reason he wants a new deal is so he can "take care of my family."

You know how it is: Your checking account is down to a few mil, and the family yacht needs paint, you had to buy another Rolex and some other bling-bling and a home theater for your crib; the family tennis court is being resurfaced, and one of the cars — who knows which one, there are so many; maybe the Bentley — just had an engine overhaul. The bill from the country club is due, and everybody — lawyers, accountants, agents, your posse and your ex — have their hands out, and, whew! to quote an old quote, even though you make a lot of money, you spend a lot of money too!

This of course is not the first time the jock set has played the I've-got-a-family-to-feed card. A few years ago Patrick Ewing, who was making $18 million a year at the time, declared that the NBA lockout was "about feeding our families."

Fellow basketball star Latrell Sprewell once famously explained why he turned down a three-year, $21 million contract extension by saying, "I've got my family to feed."

Earth to pro jocks: For the last time, don't go there, unless your name is Shawn Kemp. If you want to evoke public sympathy, there are probably better ways to do it than playing the family-grocery card for people who are feeding their families on five-figure salaries. How about good old greed?

For utterly clueless, spoiled, rich athletes, we are now offering a list of guidelines on when it's acceptable to play the family card while seeking a raise:

• You don't fly in your own airplane. In fact, you don't fly in other people's airplanes, either. Can't afford it.

• The cabin that you take the family to each summer — you don't own it. It's a rental.

• Your credit card is maxed.

• Your other card pays for the first credit card.

• Your wife is a regular at Costco, and each week she explains her latest purchase by saying, "It was a really good deal."

• You don't even have to look at the 99-cent menu at McDonald's; you've got that baby memorized.

• Your biggest decision of the day isn't which car you're going to drive.

• You don't own a car made in this century, and your grateful mechanic sends you Christmas cards.

• Your wife's purse is stuffed with coupons.