Violent tantrums worry young mom

Answer: Temper tantrums in 2- and 3-year-olds are a sign of their struggle to figure out how to gain control of themselves and the decisions that their world confronts them with — "Do I want this or do I want this? Must I get help or can I do it all by myself?"

As they learn to comfort themselves and face the challenge of these decisions, they become less likely to "melt down." But tantrums that do occur as children mature are disturbing not only to parents but to them, too. They often represent cries for help (as may have been the case in the handcuffed 5-year-old who was recently in the news).

A young child who hits and tries to hurt a parent is begging for clear, consistent limits: "Don't hit your mother, ever." Without yelling — a sign that you, too, have lost control — say it like you mean it, and walk away, until he stops.

If he keeps it up, he needs time alone to cool down and get himself under control. Respond the same way, each time. If he's really out of control, continues to hit you and won't respond to your words, you may need to physically contain him.

For a small child, this can be done with the basket hold: With one hand restraining each of his arms, put him on your lap. If he kicks, keep him on your lap and slide one of your legs over both of his to gently scissor them. If he tries to bite or head butt, hold both his arms with you right arm. Then, put your left hand against one side of his head, gently stabilizing it against your head, his right cheek against your left cheek. Now he knows he can't hurt you and you can gently rock to settle him.

Letting a child hit you, even once, without a clear response sends a confusing, disturbing message. He's bound to lash out again until he really knows you mean it. You say you aren't "the best mother when it comes to disciplining."