"They've never had to choose between him and me," she said.

Family moving on

Her youngest child just graduated from high school, and all of them are "moving on with their lives. They're doing well and excelling. They have plans for the future. There's no thinking they can't do anything they want. They've been taught they can."

She's happy about that, she said, though there has been "a lot of blaming on me. I just have learned that's the way it is — it's just human nature. I'm the safe parent, in a way."

She doesn't live with any of them and hasn't since the suppressed grief caught up with her about three years ago and began causing major health problems. Relationship struggles were contributing to the problem, she said. Three of her children are with relatives, and one is living independently.

The separation has promoted "a lot of healing — being away from that and in a place where I didn't have to take care of a lot of other people, I could just take care of myself. I feel I'm doing more of what I'm here to do, and I know it was the right thing.

"My family thinks I'm crazy, but you just have to live with it, though it was a hard decision."

She is working full time now as a life coach, trying to help others move through trauma and heal their own hurts.

"I want to share a message of hope, that no matter what devastation comes in your life, it can help you live better in the future if you look" at it as a chance to become stronger and more confident.

Her appearance at Sunstone will be the first time she has seen or spoken with any of the victims of her husband's crimes. Gretchen Sheets McNees, now a detective with the Salt Lake City Police Department, lost her mother, Kathleen, to one of Hofmann's bombs and will also participate in a panel discussion reflecting on the 20th anniversary of the events that radically altered both their lives.

Olds has spoken publicly about the past only once before, answering questions during a forum on the murders, hosted locally by rare book dealer Ken Sanders a few years back. It was a healing experience that prompted her to accept the recent speaking invitation, she said.

She believes God's hand is in her life now more than ever and says she has found peace.

"I know the direction I'm going is right and the people I'm working with are who I need to be with," she said. "Nothing in life is random. All the events we experience can be turned into bitterness or into good.

"I'm choosing to take all those things I've learned and help others. I think that's one reason I went through it. This didn't just happen on accident."

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E-mail: carrie@desnews.com