Killer's ex-wife talks of survival

She remembers thinking, "This is my life, and what do I want? I hadn't been living my life for me. I allowed him to control me because of the enculturation, where you support your husband and his business. I let a lot of my life go for what he wanted.

"I had to sit that Sunday and say, 'Who am I? What is important to me and what do I want?' " she said.

Recognizing that she believed in her faith — despite the fact that much of the pain surrounding the crimes was intertwined with the LDS Church — "I decided, 'I need to continue in the church. It's going to be tricky, but I just need to do it. If not, it will be harder next week.' "

The meeting had begun when she arrived with the children, and as they walked into the back of the cultural hall, she heard a wave of whispering move all across the back rows. In a gesture of welcome, a few people quickly got up and reached for each of the children.

"I just sat, and it was OK. For the most part, people were kind. One person told me I needed to leave because I was contaminating the church, and I remember the bishop pulling me in after that. I was in a fog, and he asked about it, but I decided that I can't let what anyone else thinks" take control again.

"I decided, 'I'm not going to waver,' because I'd taken my stand for myself."

Self-discovery

That decision started a torrent of self-discovery.

"I had to find out 'Who am I?' because I didn't know. There were a lot of things about myself I didn't know," she said.

"I had taken on what Mark liked. I hadn't done a lot with friends. I had them, but they were far away. I had to find out what foods I liked, what my favorite colors were, what music I liked in and of myself."

She reconnected with some friends, lost others "who said they couldn't be my friend anymore" and found new people "that I needed to be with who could help me." She credits God for bringing them into her life and says it is still happening.

It happened several years ago when she was feeling isolated and her children felt misunderstood. A woman whose husband was also in prison moved into the neighborhood with her children, providing them with fast friends and an understanding that "we weren't the only ones."

Friendship helped, but grief is ultimately a solo proposition, and she tried to work through it early on but found she had to put it on hold. She had four children to rear and needed to re-establish her life.

She divorced Hofmann in 1988 and took back her maiden name. She found the going rocky as a single mother. Her children visited their father from early on and continue to do so regularly. But once they divorced, he cut off any contact with her.