'Wallflower' label nipped in bud

Dear Abby: I was more than a little put off by your response to "Happy Face in South Dakota," who asked wedding guests to be sure that widowed friends and relatives are asked to dance. Your response was that people should "pay attention to the wallflowers."

My dictionary defines "wallflower" as a girl who watches at a dance because of shyness or lack of a partner. The person who wrote you was not a shy, non-escorted girl. She was a woman who had lost her partner through death, to whom the most basic social graces were not extended. Your use of the word "wallflower" was not only inappropriate, it was unkind. — Offended in Oklahoma

Dear Offended: Your sentiments were echoed by others, and I'd like to set the record straight. I have several dictionaries in my offices. My Webster's New World Dictionary defines a "wallflower" as, "a person, esp. a girl, who merely looks on at a dance, etc. as from shyness or lack of a partner." My Webster's Dictionary of the English Language (1979) defines the word as "a person, esp. a girl or woman, who sits by the wall, or looks on, at a dance, sometimes from shyness but ordinarily from not having been sought as a partner (colloq)."

"Happy Face's" letter brought a lot of responses. A sample:

Dear Abby: Hello? Earth to "Happy Face"! Get up and take the initiative by asking them yourself. You will be unhappy and lonely only if you want to be. Take off the psychological sackcloth and ashes and start living again. Time's a-wasting! — Joel in New Hampshire

Dear Joel: Although many mature women have been socialized to wait to be asked, you have a point. The squeaky wheel gets the grease.

Dear Abby: I'd like you to know that at least one 20-something male does what he can whenever possible to dance with older women who are without escorts. It feels good not to worry about rejection, because I might not have enough "bling" or dress expensively. I appreciate the lack of narcissism I find in pre-boomers. Unfortunately, it's a trait that's literally dying out. — Trevor in Oregon

Dear Trevor: That you are not only a considerate guest, but also a man who knows his way around the dance floor are valuable social assets that will stand you in good stead forever. Good for you!