Calls from ex-boyfriend escalate into threats

Dear Harlan: My ex-boyfriend and I were together for almost a year before he decided he was going to go live with his dad, 14 hours away. Eight months later I couldn't take it anymore and ended it.

Since then I have found someone else who treats me better. My ex was addicted to marijuana, and when he was stoned, he was abusive toward me. Otherwise, he just yelled and was abusive that way. He won't stop calling me, no matter where I am; he even went so far as calling my new boyfriend's house to find me.

He's moving back in a month and is threatening me. I don't know how to make him stop. —Won't Stop Calling

Dear Stop Calling: He can't handle the fact that he can't control you any longer. So now, he'll do whatever it takes to control you.

It's not love — it's about control and his lack thereof. Simply acknowledging him gives him some sense of accomplishment — so don't.

Tell him one last time that if he cares about you (as he says), he will listen to you and not contact you. If you've already done this, say no more. If he keeps calling, change your number, change your e-mail address; tell your friends and family what is happening and to watch out for you.

No, it's not fair that he's doing this, but he's not reasonable. If he doesn't stop, go to the police. Eventually, he will find someone else to date (i.e., control, abuse and harass). He needs serious help, and you're not the one to offer that help. Be safe. Stay away from him — far away.

Dear Harlan: I recently broke up with a boyfriend of almost three years. While I don't think I'm ready to go back to him, I'm a little confused about my feelings of still loving and caring about him so much. But I'm also sure that I don't want to be with him because I know I'll just marry him, and I'm not ready to be with the "last person."

What made you be ready with your wife as opposed to the other women you've dated? —Unsure About Tomorrow

Dear Unsure: She's the only one who said "yes." (Actually, she's the only one I asked.)

Before getting married, I wanted to make sure the woman I was with wasn't a crutch or that I was her crutch. Too many times boyfriends and girlfriends are used to get us through uncomfortable times (like our teens and early 20s). Then, one day, when we're comfortable enough to stand on our own feet, we no longer need the crutch (and it's breakup or divorce time).