Reading old journal can be scary

May I offer you this bit of friendly advice?

If you find an old journal of yours, do not UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES read it.

Trust me.

Reading your old journal will only make you feel bad about yourself.

That's because you'll pretty much realize you have the same problems you had 20 years ago — which pretty much makes you a loser.

Not to be rude or anything.

In my case, I realize I've been "feeling fat" ever since I was in the sixth grade and someone in the cafeteria asked me if I didn't think I should go a little easy on the mashed potatoes.

From that day on my journals have been peppered with entries like these:

• "I graduated from the sixth grade today! Also, I feel fat!"

• "I got my driver's license today! Also, I feel fat!"

• "I got engaged today! Also, I feel fat!"

• "I had a baby today! Also, I feel fat!"

You read enough entries like this and you start to feel depressed. Also fat!

You start to ask yourself if you've made ANY progress at all in the nearly 50 years you've been around.

And then just as you're getting ready to admit defeat, to stand in front of the microphone and say, "My name is Ann Cannon and I haven't made any progress since the sixth grade," your kid brings home a note from school.

"Dear Parents," the note begins, "there is a case of head lice in your child's class-room. . . . "

You've seen this type of note before, of course.

Duh. You've had five kids in the public-school system for years, although your all-time favorite head-lice note actually came from the private school your kids attended in New York.

THAT note was a minor masterpiece of suck-up diplomacy.

In an effort not to offend the school's posh patrons (YOUR family was not included in this number), the administration sent home a note asserting that head lice is nothing to be ashamed of! That's because the cleaner you are, the smarter you are, and the richer you are, the MORE likely you are to get head lice!

Whatever.