Adoption, custody decisions must be made carefully

Evan Scott, a 3 1/2-year-old boy in Florida, was recently removed from the home where he'd spent most of his life because of a court ruling that came roughly three years after his birth father first opposed his adoption.

A complicated case from the first, Evan's story has shaken the world of potential adoptive parents and drawn national attention to the plight of children who are left in attachment limbo by our courts and often by child protection agencies.

Of course, adoption and custody decisions must be made carefully. But they must also be made as early as possible in a child's life, and definitively, so that parents and child in a new relationship can dare to fall in love and be assured that their early attachment will last a lifetime.

When the courts prolong a tug of war over a child's custody, the child's needs often seem to matter least of all. But when the demands that adoption makes on a child and parents are squarely faced, the indecency of unnecessary delays stands out clearly for all to see.

The early years in any child's life are critical to future well-being. The attachment process in the first year — of parents to baby and baby to parents — is a firm base for a child's development — and a family's.

What will such precedents for disrupted attachments mean to adoptive parents? Given the emotional investment necessary to adopt a fragile baby and the fear that it may not pay off, will families become too wary to want to take in the many unwanted children in our society? Many less-privileged countries abandon these children to a tortured life on the streets. Is that what we want for our society?

Adoptive parents are already vulnerable. They may have been through a nightmare of a fertility work-up, leaving one or both parents feeling inadequate. Such wounded couples may recover and reunite around the idea of an adoption, but these experiences are bound to affect their ability to believe in themselves as parents.

Underlying feelings of inadequacy are likely to be protected with fragile defenses. Attachment to an adopted child is readily threatened by any questions about the permanence of this new relationship.

It is easier to develop as a parent when one starts with a young baby. Not only does a young baby's appearance and behavior enlist adult nurturing responses, but its vulnerability appeals to hungry parents. Every movement, every response is greeted as miraculous.