Sister may accept advice from outside the family

Question: My nephew is 5 and has temper problems. He and his mother (his parents separated before his birth) live with my mother part of the time and with my grandmother the other part. He often talks about him and his mother having their own place. He also talks about his father, whom he has seen only a couple of times.

He is defiant and emotional, with frequent outbursts and screaming fits. He screams, hits and kicks. He has been kicked out of three day-care centers. He does well one-on-one with male adults, like my husband and brother, but the good behavior doesn't last long beyond that.

My sister often loses patience and instead of spanking him or putting him in time-out, she yells. She recently made an appointment for him with a psychologist. I'm afraid he needs more than professional help; he needs personal attention, love, understanding and appropriate discipline. Any suggestions? —E.B., Waco, Texas

Answer: It sounds as if he needs help and as if she does, too. Your sister must feel overwhelmed, even angry about being alone to care for her son. That he is less difficult around familiar males might make her feel worse.

He'll be on his best behavior for them; he's hungry for a father, and they can give him undivided attention — for a limited time. Of course he'll save up his pain and anger for his mother. He knows she'll always be there.

It will be easier for her to show him affection and to stand up to him when he needs it if she feels supported. As a caring aunt and sister, it may be most helpful for you to give your sister and your nephew the attention, love and understanding you speak of and to hold off on discipline for the child or advice for the mother.

It may be easier for your sister to accept advice from outside the family. Sometimes mental health professionals can help a parent recognize when a child is too angry to reach out for the love he needs, and to find effective disciplinary strategies. We would expect yelling or spanking to make a child like this scream and hit even more.

For a 5-year-old, there can be so many reasons for defiance and aggressive behavior. The shuttling between homes might be part of the problem, as might be his feelings about his father. Such behavior is also common in children when discipline is inconsistent, when expectations and consequences are unclear.