Sometimes the funniest stuff isn't on TV

UNIVERSAL CITY, Calif. — Over the years, a bit of a press tour tradition evolved among television critics. WB publicist Keith Marder — one of my favorite TV types and a former critic himself — gets up at the beginning of his network's presentations and makes a series of humorous comments.

And then yours truly writes those comments into a column. There are three reasons for that: First, Keith is funny; second, it's easy; and, third, I'm lazy.

Except that I didn't do it after the July 2004 tour. And I sort of hurt Keith's feelings, I guess.

(Yes, some TV types actually have feelings.)

So we're back at it again. Keith is funny, I'm easy. . . . er, uh, lazy. And here we go:

• "Martha Stewart will be back on television when she's released from prison. The show will combine her two great loves — wealth and housework. It will be about money laundering."

• "Between her performance on 'Saturday Night Live' and then at the Orange Bowl, Ashlee Simpson proved that she's a triple threat. She can't sing. She can't dance. And she can't lip sync."

• "As most of you know by now, I've moved to the WB's New York office. I found a place to live. It's in the Jewish part of Manhattan. It's called — Manhattan."

• In light of NBC's collapsing ratings . . .

"Thanks to (NBC Universal president) Jeff Zucker's stellar development record, CBS has announced its next big thing — 'CSI: NBC Thursday.' "

• "You know that cliche interview question — 'Where do you see yourself in five years?' With Jay Leno gone, I see myself on the couch watching 'The Tonight Show' again."

• "There's a claim that Armstrong Williams received $240,000 from the Bush administration to plug its No Child Left Behind program. That's nothing. The White House offered us twice that to change the name of the network to the George WB."

• "You know what movie was great? 'The Aviator.' Too bad they didn't have reality television in the times of Howard Hughes. This new breed of billionaire has nothing on him.

"Like (Richard) Branson, Hughes owned an airline. Like (Mark) Cuban, Hughes was fascinated by technology. Like (Donald) Trump, Hughes didn't like shaking hands.

"The only difference is that if Trump bottled his own urine, he'd sell it."