Music needs action and brevity

This classic Dave Barry column was originally published on March 6, 1994.

Why don't regular people like classical music? This is the question that was posed to me recently in a letter from Timothy W. Muffitt, the music director of the University of Texas Symphony Orchestra, which has gained international acclaim for its rendition of "Achy Breaky Heart."

No, I'm sure it's a fine orchestra that plays a serious program of classical music featuring numerous notes, sharps, flats, clefs, bassoons, deceased audience members, etc.

Anyway, Mr. Muffitt states that he has been asked to conduct a series of concerts for the Louisiana Philharmonic Orchestra. The goal is "to get people into the concert hall other than those who usually come."

He asks: "What would get the average Joe into the concert hall? Do you go to classical music concerts? Why or why not?"

Mr. Muffitt, those are important questions, and before I answer them, let me state that I really like saying "Mr. Muffitt." I think "Mr. Muffitt" would be a great title for a Saturday-morning children's cartoon show, wherein Mr. Muffitt is a super hero who, accompanied by sidekicks representing every major minority group and gender, goes around kicking villain butt. I have not worked out the details of the plot, although it would definitely involve a Magic Tuffet.

But getting back to Mr. Muffitt's questions: Our first task is to define exactly what we mean by "classical music." When I look in volume "M" of my son's World Book Encyclopedia, I find, on pages 838-9, the following statement: "Mosses grow and reproduce in two phases 'sexual' and 'asexual.' "Not only that, but during the "sexual" phase, the moss develops "special organs," and when the time is ripe, "they burst and release hundreds of sperm cells."

Do you believe it? MOSS! Growing organs! Having sex! Probably smoking little one-celled cigarettes afterward! Parents, this could be going on in your community. I think we should alert the Rev. Pat Robertson.

But we also need to define "classical music." A little farther on in the World Book, we come to the section on music, which states: "There are two chief kinds of Western music, classical and popular." Thus we see that "classical music" is defined, technically, as "music that is not popular." This could be one reason why the "average Joe" does not care for it.