Folks in Arizona not bowl savvy

PARADISE VALLEY, Ariz. — After a 14-month hiatus, the Rock Report was rolling — soaring, actually — right up until the security guard at Paradise Valley Mall said, "Sir. I'm going to have to ask you to leave."

It lost steam after that.

"I'm not selling anything. I'm conducting a poll for the newspaper in Salt Lake," the Rock Report explained.

Pretty soon another security officer arrived. A regular Welcome Wagon. They whispered a minute.

"I'm sorry. You're going to have to leave. It's policy," the first guard continued. "No news media allowed unless it's cleared by the management."

The Rock Report is pretty sure he was lying but wasn't interested in finding out if mall security had a policy of conducting body cavity searches, too.

The purpose of the latest Rock Report was to determine exactly how up to speed Arizonans are on the Utes and their bid to win the Fiesta Bowl.

Answer: Not very. Unless Keith Urban actually is the coach, Joseph Smith the quarterback and Mele Kalikimaka the right guard.

"What's the name of that team again?" said Elizabeth, of Phoenix.

The Rock Report, by way of explanation, is a highly respected if somewhat unscientific poll. It normally involves interviewing 10 people on a given subject. Thanks to the security staff at Paradise Valley Mall, this time the poll included just seven. The questions were as follows:

1. In what conference does Utah play? (a) Big Sky (b) WAC (c) Big Easy (d) Mountain West (e) Sky West.

2. Who is Utah's starting quarterback? (a) Alex Smith (b) Joseph Smith (c) Jaclyn Smith (d) Emmitt Smith.

3. What is a Morgan Scalley? (a) a Utah assistant coach (b) a skin condition (c) a Utah defensive back (d) a stock brokerage.

4. Which is an all-American offensive lineman? (a) Chris Kemoeatu (b) Sione Pouha (c) Makai Aalona (d) Mele Kalikimaka.

5. Who is Utah's coach? (a) Keith Urban (b) Urban Meyer (c) Oscar Mayer (d) Urban Legend.

On the first question, answers varied. Three of seven believed Utah plays in the Sky West Conference, while two each chose the Big Sky and WAC. Nobody correctly picked the Mountain West.

As to who will start at quarterback in the Fiesta Bowl, three correctly chose Alex Smith — just one more vote than Joseph Smith received.

"That name just sounds right," said Greg of Phoenix.

Yeah, to him and about 12 million Mormons.

Also, one picked Emmitt Smith, who actually plays for the Arizona Cardinals. Another chose the ol' Charlie's Angel herself, Jaclyn Smith.

"I just thought it sounded cool," added Elizabeth.