Wife's game plan for mother-in-law requires hubby on her side

Dear Abby: After reading her letter about her mother-in-law, I have heartfelt sympathy for "Charlotte in North Carolina." However, I think that your advice that she should start looking for another man for her mother-in-law was unrealistic. The chances of her finding a man who would put up with a witch like her mother-in-law are pretty slim. I have the same mother-law-problem, so here's my advice to Charlotte: Your mother-in-law will never accept you, understand you or listen to you, so don't hold your breath waiting for her to see the light. If she's anything like mine, she uses guilt like a master manipulator.
Tearing your family apart for her own selfish needs is heartless. However, as much as you want to blame your mother-in-law, your husband is the one to blame. Only he can put "Mommie Dearest" in her place.
At first, my husband thought I was too sensitive to his mother's indirect insults. However, once he took notice of them, he began to understand my feelings.
Charlotte, discuss your mother-in-law's comments with your husband while they're still fresh. Point out situations where she's interfering with family time. Always remember that she's his mother and the children's grandmother and she deserves respect even when you don't get hers in return. You can learn to play the game.
Granted, you'll never get rid of the old battle-ax, but it helps if your husband is on your side to counter her attacks. Perhaps one day she'll get the hint and get a life of her own.
- Keeping the Peace, Terre Haute, Ind.

Dear Keeping the Peace: I am printing your letter in its entirety with the hope that it will provide a blueprint for "Charlotte" to follow. I can think of few relationships as emotionally charged as those between daughters-in-law and mothers-in-law.
P.S. I'm one of the lucky ones. I love my mother-in-law! Rose Phillips, take a bow.

Dear Abby: My boyfriend took me to a party where I felt really out of place. A woman he knew was there, and my boyfriend sat and talked to her for hours. I saw by myself. Fortunately, my brother-in-law was also a guest, so when he saw I had been desereted, he more or less entertained me. When food was served, I looked up and saw my boyfriend leading this woman to a porch where they could sit and talk some more, while I again sat by myself.
Later that night, I told him he was rude and inconsiderate. Was I wrong?
- Party Blues in Richmond, Va.

Dear Party Blues: No, you were not wrong. Your boyfriend was rude and inconsiderate - and if your are still with him, you are foolish. You can do better.
Next time around, try to find a boyfriend as sensitive and considerate as your brother-in-law, and you'll have yourself a winner.

Dear Abby: A few months ago, my husband passed away. I have a little money, but not a lot.
My 40-year-old, twice-divorced daughter wants me to help her buy a house. She has never been able to manage her money. She told me that if I didn't give her $50,000 for the house, I could forget her visiting me or helping me in any way.
I offered to loan her $20,000 for the down payment, but she turned that down and demanded the larger sum as a gift.
Abby, I am 69 years old an dmust provide for myself, and $50,000 is a lot of money. What should I do?
- Martha in Southeastern Pennsylvania

Dear Martha: If you give in to your daughter's blackmail now, shw will undoubtedly find some excuse to get the rest of your money. And I wouldn't bet on her visiting and helping you once the money is gone.

Dear Abby: I have always been interested in comedy, so when I retired at 62, I entered a comedy contest in a cabaret in Encino, Calif. There were 475 young people in the contest and most of them looked at me as if to say, "Why aren't you home watching your arteries get hard?" Well, I made it to the finals and won. I got $1,000 and a nice write-up in the newspaper.
Your attitude is what make you old, whether it's in regard to your sens of humor or your everyday attitude. I know many elderly YOUNG people. They're chronologically young, but they have old ideas. If we judged people with our eyes closed instead of with a closed mind, you'd be surprised how the term "elderly" would disappear.
- Paul Orkin, Las Vegas

Dear Paul: If we judged people with our eyes closed instead of with closed minds, I'm sure many of the problems that plague us would disappear. Congratulations on your new career.

Dear Abby: Thank you again for saying, again and plainly, "People have telephones in their homes for their own convenience, not for research and marketing firms." I agree, but because I don't want to act rudely, I've come up with a two-aprt response to "cold callers" like "M.B. in Belle Plaine, Iowa," who wrote to you.
During the afternoon and evening hours telemarketers seem to like, I screen some of the my calls with my answering machine.
When I do pick up the phone and find myself listening to someone I don't know who wants to sell me something, I wait for a pause, then say, "Thanks for calling. I charge $135 an hour for phone consulting, with a two-hour minimum. Where should I send my bill?"
I have never heard any reply - just a click and a dial tone.
- John Shaffer Dibelka, Spring Valley, Calif.

Dear John: Apparently, your mother didn't raise any foolish children. Thanks for writing.

Good advice for everyone - teens to seniors - is in "The anger in All of Us and how to Deal With It." To order, ~Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Illinois 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

Copyright 1997 Universal Press Syndicate
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