Rob Bishop: An appointment with John Kerry's barber; no one confuses his vote against the "Government Intelligence" bill as opposition to intelligence in government.

Nancy Workman: A sympathetic jury.

Jason Chaffetz: Republicans don't find out that he is related by marriage to Michael Dukakis and ran his presidential campaign in Utah.

Gayle Ruzicka: Peace on Earth and no free will for men (or women).

Gary Herbert: Jon Huntsman Jr. (and everyone else) remembers who he is.

Utah liberal Democrats: A way to convince Utahns that liberals have values.

Major League Soccer: Utahns who will attend games.

University of Utah: A Fiesta Bowl that's about the players and the game, not about Urban Meyer.

BYU: A "flexible" honor code for student athletes.

Khosrow Semnani: A chance to spend his fortune on liberal environmental causes.

UDOT: A gas tax increase.

Salt Lake Tribune: More Republicans to endorse.

Utah County: Six more freeway lanes, light rail throughout the county, commuter rail, new buildings at UVSC, a causeway across Utah Lake, and a new law restricting U. of U. football scholarships. Hey, they have the political clout now, so why not use it?

John Kerry: Lessons from Al Gore on how to be a graceful loser.

Bronco Mendenhall: A new theme — You're either a Cougar or you're Cougar bait.

Ben Olson: A university where he can hire the coach.

Leavitt/Walker Cabinet members: New jobs.

Deseret Morning News: A way to get rid of "Deseret."

Howard Dean: A speaking tour featuring his "I Have a Scream" speech.

Rocky Anderson: Seven Freedoms forced on all Utahns.

Olene Walker: An appointment as Honorary Grandma Governor for Life and a scrapbook to display all the glowing editorial comments she's receiving upon leaving office.

Frank Pignanelli: A bucket of radioactive waste from Envirocare.

Utah Transit Authority: TRAX all the way to St. George.

Legacy Highway: 'Men Working' signs.