Dave Barry's holiday gift guide

This year, for our Holiday Gift Guide, we thought we'd try something different.

Usually we just hurl together a bunch of stupid, useless items that no sane human would ever actually buy. But this year we thought, "Why not, for once, do something positive? Why not do a REAL gift guide, with items that people might actually WANT to receive?"

But just then our medication wore off.

So once again this year we have followed our standard Gift Guide formula. First, we scour the nation — defined as "several catalogs in our office" — for possible gifts.

Once we have selected a certain number (14) of potential Gift Guide items, we purchase them, using money graciously provided by the Miami Herald. When the potential items arrive, we put them through a rigorous Quality Control Testing Procedure.

Only when ALL this has been completed do we include the item in the Gift Guide.

Bakglo Campfire Butt Warmer

$14.95 plus shipping and handing from Lee Valley Tools, 814 Proctor Ave., Ogdensburg, NY 13669-2204; 800-871-8158; www.leevalley.com

If we were asked to name the single worst problem plaguing humanity today, we would answer: "The problem of uneven campfire heating." This is when you're sitting by a campfire, and the side of you facing the campfire is warm and toasty, but the side of you not facing the campfire is — not unlike the side of the Moon away from the sun — covered with craters.

Well you can say goodbye to this problem forever, thanks to the BakGlo brand campfire-heat-evening-out device, which uses the scientific principle of reflection. The way it works is, when heat rays leave the fire, they bounce off the BakGlo and go into your back, rather than continuing outward and striking the bear standing behind you. But don't worry about him! He won't hurt you! At least not until you're fully cooked.

Sporty Electronic Bug-Zapping Racket

$12.99 from Chateau Drug in Ketchum, Idaho; also available online through www.companion-group.com

Here's the ideal gift for the person on your holiday gift list who enjoys playing sports AND killing flying insects. This is a tennis-racket-shaped device that, thanks to the scientific miracle of batteries, has electricity in it, so that when you swat a flying insect, the insect is instantly electrocuted!