A blast of a time, almost

When I told my friends my plans, they thought I was either brave or needed therapy. A teacher pal guffawed: "They're gonna eat you alive!"

Puhleeze. How bad could it be? I've taught dance for 13 years. The few uncooperative kids get the bench — end of story.

Well, the prospect of the bench doesn't scare teenagers in French, English — or even dance — classes. Go figure.

But there's plenty to scare me.

At sub training we learned when to call the hospital (think "prolonged seizure") and how to shoot adrenaline into a kid allergic to bees ("swing jab" into the thigh, through jeans and all).

OK, not only could kids mouth off and refuse to learn, but they could die.

My first day I showed up sleep deprived from night frets — I really wanted to do this right — and 35 minutes early. Good thing: It took almost that long and directions from two teenagers to locate my classroom. Ohmigosh, I'm already an idiot. Checked my back for the "kick me" sign. None found. Realized my sub badge was the same thing.

Once there, I had two hours to prepare for my English class since no one told me first period was prep time. I read and reread the lessons and thought of ways to snap kids to attention. I found a fashion magazine by the teacher's desk and perused the $800 handbags. My $62 sub check should help me afford one.

The bell rang. I marched to the board and wrote "Mrs. Cook." Pure comedy! It took two class periods to figure out kids using the name were talking to me.

I stood at the door and welcomed the students, who were way cool in my book.

One kid went to the Super Bowl. Dude! Another told me I looked too young to be a missus, let alone a mom. "A" for the day!

When the bell rang, I hit the lesson plan like my old West Lake Junior High English teacher, Ms. Sheya: Take out your books and read silently for 15 minutes.

They actually did it.

I asked them to find a stopping place, and they took a minute to do so.

Seriously!

I then told them to study for a vocabulary test. When things got chatty, I threatened to give the test early, eliciting a whiney "NOOOOO!" followed by silence.

OK, where's the hidden camera?

Things went great. Until the question.

"Do we have to hand our assignments in today?"

Uh, . . . dunno. The lesson plan didn't say.

Now, another kid wanted to review a test for a judging error.

Uh, hang on.

Ran next door for advice; a teacher came in and assigned deadlines. Impressive.