Give daughter a date to move out of house

Dear Annie: My daughter and her three children came to live in our home over a year ago. She told me it would be for only a short time. Now her boyfriend is living here, and they are paying us only $200 a month, which does not cover utilities and other extras she costs us. Both my husband and I are on disability.

I am tired of having five extra people in my house with no privacy and told my daughter months ago to start looking for her own place, but she hasn't budged. How do I get them out of my house? I am sick and tired of it. — Desperate, Angry Mother

Dear Mother: Would your daughter be willing to pay more to cover her costs? Would you be willing to let her stay if she did? If not, give her a specific date when she has to be out of the house, and help her look for available rentals.

Some states have regulations that prevent you from throwing someone out of the house, and if yours is one, you will have to see a lawyer to start eviction proceedings. Otherwise, if she makes no effort to move by the deadline, change the locks on your doors and toss her stuff out on the lawn.

Dear Annie: When I married my wife and became a stepfather to her children, she said I had equal say in all things and suggested I spend at least twice as much time listening as I did talking. Here are some things I have found to be true:

1. Don't force things. If and when the children choose to like you, they will. The first week, my younger stepdaughter announced she was not going to call me "Dad" because I was not her father. I told her that was fine. Don't be confrontational about inconsequential things. Carefully pick the fights you really need to fight.

2. Listen. Communication is a two-way street. If they believe you won't listen to them, they aren't going to listen to you. When kids need to talk about something, it needs to be now, not after the news or at halftime.

3. Communicate with your partner. Particularly when faced with teenagers, a unified front is essential.

4. Never bash the ex-spouse, and if possible, try to have a civil relationship with him/her. Before birthdays and Christmas, my wife's ex calls me for gift suggestions. If you have a civil relationship, everybody wins.

5. Don't look at yourself as a parental replacement. I am a parental supplement. These girls grew up with three parents who love them. If you try to drive a wedge or replace the other parent, you will lose.

6. Tell them you love them, often.