Teen years can be confusing time for parents

I confess. I like to watch Saturday morning cartoons with my children.

A couple of years ago we caught the tail-end of "Pepper Ann," the animated adventures of a typical 13-year-old girl. As the cartoon concludes, Pepper Ann and her mother share the hope that they will always be able to express to one another the special feelings they have for each other. Suddenly, Pepper Ann's face takes on an anxious look as she adds, "As long as you never act that way in front of my friends or within a one mile radius of my school."

Watching this animated interaction between a mother and daughter reminded me why the teenage years can be such a confusing time for parents regarding their place in their teenagers' lives. At one moment, teenagers seem to seek the same nurturing behavior from parents that they experienced when they were children; in the next moment, they are acting as if they would rather die than be seen with their parents by anyone their own age. Although teens are likely to send out many messages to their parents, sadly, the ones that are most likely to be heard are, "Stay out of my life!" — particularly regarding teenagers' associations with friends.

Although teens want and need greater autonomy as they get older, granting them increasing autonomy does not mean parents can't continue to be involved in teenagers' lives — even that part occupied by friends.

What becomes problematic for many teenagers is not whether parents are involved in their friendships, but rather how parents are involved in teens' friendships. For example, the extent that parents respect and value their teenagers' choices in selecting friends, provide their adolescents with appropriate autonomy regarding their friendships and genuinely enjoy the friends their teens have selected. These are the factors that will make the greatest difference in parents' ability to have an impact on their teenagers' friendship experiences.

During childhood, parents are a necessary part of their children's friendships. Parents of younger children provide them opportunities to meet new friends, transportation to be with friends, advice about how to be a good friend, and set rules about the who, what and where of their children's friendship interactions.