Out-of-control child is asking for clear limits

Question: Our 7-year-old daughter, "Ann," has always been a very bright, articulate child who doesn't give up on getting her way. She yells, bites, hits and screams if she doesn't get what she wants. For example, she will have a fit if I don't buy her something in the store.

She also likes to run through the house, being very loud, and often wakes up her 14-month-old sister from naps.

The punishments we have come up with obviously don't mean anything to her, and we are quickly losing our tempers.

This problem exists only at home. Teachers praise her for her respect of others and helpfulness in class. When she visits friends or relatives' homes, she is always well-behaved.

What can we do to change her behavior so we can restore peace and harmony in our home? — No Name, Alaska

Answer: Obviously Ann knows how to control herself outside your home, and that is reassuring. It's likely that her baby sister may have something to do with her demanding, provocative behavior at home. If she is angry at having to share you with a toddler, she is bound to aim her antics at you.

This is her way of asking for extra attention as her younger sister invades her space and steals the show with new walking, talking and other firsts.

Ann is also pushing you for clearer limits and more firmly enforced consequences. She's bound to be scared of her understandable but out-of-control and babyish behavior, as well as her anger at her little sister and you.

Often, parents feel that they must make up for the demands of a new baby by being "softer" on the older child. But your daughter is bound to feel more babied than respected. Instead, your limits on her behavior (biting, hitting and public fits are not acceptable at this age) and consequences (including brief isolations to stop the action and apologies from her) will reassure her that when she can't control herself, you will. Being firm about these will actually help her to feel loved.

(For more ideas about making consequences fit the "crime," you may want to consult our book "Discipline: The Brazelton Way" (Da Capo Press, 2003).)

At 7, your daughter is old enough for you to share your concerns with her and invite her to tell you hers. Let her know that you don't like to be upset with her all the time. Then encourage her to help find solutions and plan alternatives for the hitting and screaming at stressful times.