"In no way do I condone or am I affiliated with the activities of Mayor—————————— (Republicans insert Nancy Workman; Democrats insert Rocky Anderson.)" (Please, please, please do not associate me with this political albatross.)

"As an open-minded official, I enjoy bipartisan respect." (At least those jerks on the other side of the aisle say hello before snarling at me.)

"We can solve our public education and transportation problems without raising taxes." (I know no one believes this nonsense, but it sounds so nice and doesn't offend anyone.)

"I have much work to do in a second term." (And since I'll be a lame duck I'll do a lot of foreign "trade missions.")

"I will run a positive campaign." (And let surrogates do the dirty work.)

"I am raising money from thousands of small donors." (Because no one will give me any real money.)

"A campaign should be about our deeply held values." (And anything else suggested by my polling.)

"I was recruited into this race by an overwhelming draft." (My mother, wife and Sunday School class.)

"I am a common man." (But still far superior to the rest of you out there.)

"I will hold weekly news conferences to report to the people." (I sure do love those cameras!)

"It's now in the voters' hands." (Boy, did I run a lousy campaign.)

"My opponent is running a negative campaign." (I sure wish I hadn't voted that way.)

"I feel the momentum shifting in our direction." (Now my opponent just needs to have a heart attack.)

"Voters are looking for a change." (I don't have a clue what they really want.)

"This election is about the future!" (My future, that is.)

"Despite what they write about me, I endorse freedom of the press." (Can I exercise eminent domain on a newspaper?)

"My opponent is an honorable person." (Please, please don't vote for that jerk.)

"I base my decisions on bedrock principles." (And monthly focus groups.)

"I love my position in the Legislature." (I sure wish Orrin Hatch would retire so I can run for the Senate.)