Republicans will put on quite a show

Pignanelli: Wow! The Republican convention agenda is unbelievable. Either the GOP is truly a big tent or desperate to attract new voters. Gay and abortion rights organizations are delighted with prime-time speakers who are openly pro-choice, pro-gun control and opposed to the Federal Marriage Amendment. Conversely, conservative organizations are spitting mad at sidelining the Reagan legacy. While Democrats kept most ultra-liberals off the stage, Republicans have literally chained the right-wingers in the basement. Thus, the fun will be watching 250,000 protesters (outnumbering 50,000 convention attendees) doing anything to be noticed.

Consistent with my Democratic generosity, I offer an objective viewers guide to convention activities:

Monday: New York Mayor Republican Michael Bloomberg opens the ceremonies. Bloomberg is providing protesters discount coupons for food and lodging because "It's no fun to protest on an empty stomach." Former Mayor Rudy Giuliani is the evening's keynote speaker. This proves the rule that if you want personality and pizzazz at your party — invite an Italian! Sen. John McCain concludes, with convention organizers praying he stays on script and forgets the vicious attacks Bush made against him in 2000.

Tuesday: Novice Utah delegates express shock in discovering Republicans from other states drink alcohol, and quite a lot of it. After First Lady Laura Bush's speech, GOP blowhards paint the negative comparison to Teresa Heinz Kerry. Funny, when Heinz was a big Republican donor, she was OK. California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger then imparts star power for the convention. The predicted lack of substance by the "Gropinator" is filled by audience references to famous sound bites (i.e. "I'll be back" and liberals are "Girlie men"). The deference to hardliners is Education Secretary Rod Paige, who recently labeled the NEA "terrorists" because they utilize aggressive lobbying tactics (the horror!).

Wednesday: Lynne Cheney introduces her husband, Vice President Dick Cheney, and Democrats exhale a sigh of relief. There is still paranoia that Colin Powell will substitute Cheney at the last minute. Democrat Sen. "give 'em hell" Zell Miller will deliver the keynote address, explaining his crossing party lines to support Bush. It is ironic the best orator this week will be the colorful Southern Democrat, who gave the keynote at the 1992 Democratic Convention.

Thursday: New York Gov. George Pataki will introduce President Bush. Listen carefully and you will hear groans from conservatives who despise Pataki and his Nelson Rockefeller liberal republicanism. If intelligence is the ability to hold two conflicting thoughts, Bush may be in trouble. During the acceptance speech, he will try to merge contrasting campaign themes "Moving America Forward" and "We've Turned the Corner."