Some tips on how to pick a president

Pignanelli: In less than 80 days, Americans will choose their next president. During that time, candidates, the media and political pundits will barrage voters with tremendous amounts of propaganda to influence their decision. To help our readers make their way through the swamp of information, we are providing an insightful and analytical list of considerations to review when making these important deliberations.

Deseret Morning News readers should vote for John Kerry and John Edwards BECAUSE:

1. We need a president who is fluent in French so he can properly insult and castigate the leaders and people of France when they frequently mock the U.S. and disregard our alliance.

2. According to rumors, Rocky Anderson is bucking for a position in the Kerry administration (this is one way to get a change in City Hall).

3. Americans deserve and need a president who can correctly pronounce "nuclear" (and other multisyllabic words).

4. Michael Leavitt will have no more excuses; he will have to answer the mission call.

5. Otherwise John Edwards will return to the courtroom with a vengeance (Look out corporate America!).

6. Hillary will have to wait until 2012 (an important factor for the Clinton haters).

7. Orrin Hatch needs a vacation (you can bet he will spend no time or energy pushing those Kerry appointments through the U.S. Senate).

8. Utah is ignored by whoever is president, so we might as well be ignored by a Democrat.

9. It will be fun to see if Congressman Rob Bishop can maintain his famous smirk during the entire State of the Union Address.

10. Kerry and Edwards will articulate and effectuate a successful plan to support our troops in Iraq and allow us to depart at the appropriate time with dignity and pride.

11. Otherwise, Dick Cheney remains a heartbeat away (Admit it: The possibility of a President Cheney frightens all reasonable people).

12. Kerry and Edwards will repeal the Bush tax breaks for the elite, help employers provide quality health-care coverage to employees and execute common-sense principles for the federal budget.

13. Baby boomers can dust off their JFK memorabilia and be in fashion by displaying the initials of the new president.

14. It will be great sport to watch Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney twist and squirm as he is tempted to appoint himself to replace John Kerry.

15. With another four years of the neoconservatives (Paul Wolfowitz and gang) dictating foreign policy, Americans will not have to worry about safety when traveling to other countries — no one will want us.

16. Griping and complaining about a Democratic president provides a reason for LaVarr's presence on this column.