Rock on ...

Apples and oranges

Sprinter Marion Jones called a press conference last week to deny innuendo about her possible use of performance-enhancing drugs.

Said Jones, who has taken more than 160 drug tests: "USADA has no information that I have ever failed a test because, simply, I have never failed a test."

Later last week she passed a lie detector test, in which she was asked if she had ever taken performance-enhancing drugs.

I'm not saying she cheated. But part of the BALCO investigation involves a synthetic steroid named THG, which was undetectable until last year. So any tests she took before then wouldn't have shown traces of THG.

Reminds me of the "Pink Panther" movie in which Clouseau asks a man with a dog, "Does your dog bite?" The man says no. But the dog bites Clouseau anyway.

"I thought you said your dog didn't bite!" says Clouseau.

Says the man: "It's not my dog."

Stars come out

The Detroit Pistons are hot talk-show material, now that they're NBA champs.

Coach Larry Brown was on David Letterman on Monday, and Chauncey Billups was a guest last week. Coming soon: Richard Hamilton on Jay Leno's show.

Sorry to admit, I haven't seen any of them.

I guess I'm holding out for Rasheed Wallace on "Sesame Street."

Must-see event

A survey in the Netherlands indicates one in three men thinks watching the Euro2004 Games on TV is more important than celebrating his wife's birthday.

What, are those guys nuts?

Now if it was the Slamball finals . . .

Competitive advantage

I wouldn't say Las Vegas is desperate to get a Major League team, but I hear they're planning a new hotel-casino named "Milwaukee, Milwaukee" after Bud Selig's hometown.

The party's over

The Lakers dynasty is no more.

Phil Jackson won't be returning as coach. Kobe Bryant will exercise his option to become an unrestricted free agent. Karl Malone and Derek Fisher are free agents, too. Shaquille O'Neal is pushing to be traded.

But the really bad news in L.A.: Britney Spears is said to be planning to marry dancer Kevin Federline.

So now even that Britney-Luke thing is a goner . . .

Prior approval

Speaking of the Lakers, if he does stay, Shaq wants to be paid even more than the $58 million the Lakers owe him for the next two years.

He wants to be paid as the Lakers G.M., too.

"I'm the one that's bringing in the players anyway," he said recently.

If that's the case, does that mean he can trade himself?

Jack flat

Jack Nicklaus on his troubled golf game: "Everyone has always wanted to play like Nicklaus. Now they really can."

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E-mail: rock@desnews.com