Deseret News | And you thought televised golf was dull

From Deseret News archives:

And you thought televised golf was dull

By Dave Barry

Published: Friday, June 4, 2004 6:55 p.m. MDT

| E-MAIL | PRINT | FONT + -

Page:
< Previous
1
2

I've never played serious poker, so I took along a friend, Philippe Boets, who is an expert. Unfortunately, he's not an expert on poker: He is an expert on petanque, an extremely French sport where you toss steel balls around, the object being to eventually stop and have lunch. Philippe is president of Petanque America, which consists largely of Philippe. When I thought about a possible companion for my poker expedition, his name came immediately to mind because of a certain indefinable quality he has, which I would define as "not having a real job."

On the way to the casino, Philippe told me that the only poker game he has played is "Indian poker," in which each player sticks a card onto his forehead, so that he can't see it, but all the other players can.

"Then what?" I asked.

"I don't remember," Philippe said. "There was a lot of rum."

Things were much more serious in the casino poker room, where the tables were fully occupied by grim chip-pushing hemorrhoid-support-groupers. There was a nice lady there, and Philippe and I asked her how we could get into a game. She asked if we knew how to play, and we said sure, we knew the basics, in the sense of being able to recognize most of the cards on sight. This did not satisfy her: She wanted to know if we knew the winning hands, and we had to admit that we did not. She told us, apologetically, that we would not be welcome in the games, because the groupers get upset when, in the midst of all the rapid-fire dealing and bluffing and betting, a novice player (or "moron") says something like: "OK, does a flush beat a trump?"

Story continues below

So Philippe and I did not get to participate in the national Poker Craze. Instead, we went to the bar and participated in the national Beer Craze, after which we spent a couple of hours losing money at the slot machines. This is an unbelievably mindless activity. It's only a matter of time before it's huge on TV. ("She's pulling the handle again, Bob.")

Dave Barry is a humor columnist for the Miami Herald. Write to him c/o The Miami Herald, One Herald Plaza, Miami, FL 33132.