Supersize lawsuits no longer possible

Did you hear the biggie-size news regarding fast food last week?

It's even bigger than McDonald's using real chicken meat of the white variety in its McNuggets.

Without much fanfare, Utah Gov. Olene Walker signed a bill making it unlawful for anybody with a habit of ordering Double-Bypass-Burger-with-cheese combos to sue the fast-food industry for turning them into plumped-up patrons.

SB214 — otherwise known as the "Commonsense Consumption Act" (Legislature's terminology) or the "Anti-Attack Big Mac Act" (my verbiage) — basically guarantees Ronald McDonald, Wendy and the Burger King won't have to put their money where our salivating mouths are.

So, scratch plans of adding a supersize lawsuit to future meals. Seems my brilliant get-rich-quick scheme was merely a lame-brained get-fat-quick one. At least I have been ordering Diet Coke with my enlarged entrees.

As tempting as it sounded, I've never sued over an extra-large fry. That's not to say I haven't nearly been involved in a fast-food lawsuit. I was once threatened with a lawsuit during my former life as a promising McDonald's employee. One day, while working the Drive-Thru and dreaming of a coveted Hamburger University diploma, I accidentally gave a man root beer instead of iced tea.

An honest and harmless mistake it seemed . . . until the well-dressed man added a packet of sugar to his beverage. When the soda reacted with the sweetener like Alka-Seltzer does inside a seagull's tummy, the drink foamed and the driver fumed. He returned to tell me I was dumber than Hamburglar and found no solace or humor when I told him, "At least I didn't really botch your order by giving you salt."

By that point, he wanted nothing to do with optimistic talk. He eventually withdrew his litigious threats after I wiped his car's interior. A handful of free food vouchers didn't hurt, either.

Now fast-food joints don't have to resort to that sort of appeasement to overturn obesity lawsuits. The new law "provides manufacturers, packers, distributors, carriers, holders, sellers, marketers and advertisers of food with immunity from civil liability for obesity and weight gain claims."

So much for my plan of going after all-you-can-gorge buffet businesses, candy companies, the Food Network, snack-food machine owners, my mom and the inventors of belly-bulge-inducing products like chocolate, potatoes (relax, Idaho), La-Z-Boys, remote controls, video games and the Internet (feel lucky, Al Gore).