Park City awash in (invisible) stars

PARK CITY — My assignment Friday at the Sundance Film Festival was pretty simple: Go up. Find famous people. Come back with a juicy "Guess who I saw?" story.

Long story short: I didn't even see a person famous enough to be included on a celebrity reality show. The highlights of my hours of gazing and gawking for glamour were receiving a high-five from a guy who acted in a movie with Pauly Shore and meeting a young, blond, spotlight-hungry Brittany — no, not the recent newlywed — who swears she's gonna make it big.

Contain your jealousy, please.

Short story long: It all started at . . .

12:38 p.m. — Leave Smog Lake City to star glance in Sundance.

1:25 p.m. — See strange sight: blue sky. Scour Main Street Park City for stars.

1:45 p.m. — Only see other people scouring street for stars.

1:55 p.m. — Make a new New Year's resolution to spend more quality time with my important People magazine. Maybe I'm the only non-famous person on Main Street and don't even know it.

2:00 p.m. — Watch "The Butterfly Effect," a mind-boggling mystery movie/unintentional comedy starring Ashton Kutcher, VH1's No. 1 hot celebrity and Demi Moore's midlife crisis cure. Sigh. Kutcher is only on the screen.

3:51 p.m. — Leave theater thinking movie should be renamed: "Dude, where's my memory?" or "Audience, you've been 'Punk'd.' "

4:37 p.m. — More meandering along Main Street. No sign of stardom. Not even an Osmond.

5:13 p.m. — Wonder if I put on celebrity repellent instead of deodorant.

5:55 p.m. — Call co-worker Jason Olson, my photog/paparazzi pal for the day. Having also been star skunked, he wonders aloud if editors would run a photo of the sidewalk where Danny DeVito supposedly walked earlier in the day. Tell him to look down — maybe DeVito's still there.

6:03 p.m. — Run into group of Florida high school students on a lengthy field trip. Ask if they've seen anyone famous. Aspiring actress Brittany Sellers perks up. "I'm going to be famous. I'm trying out for (MTV's) 'The Real World' next Saturday. Just to let you know I'll probably get it. I have one of those contagious personalities."

6:03:37 p.m. — Her not-convinced classmate interrupts. "We probably have a better chance editing one of George Lucas' films."

6:04 p.m. — Unfazed, Britt autographs a glossy portfolio photo for me. I wish her friends good luck working on the next "Star Wars" movie.

6:55 p.m. — Pal with "Lord of the Rings" connections gives me directions to a top-secret party in the Middle-Earth section of Deer Valley. Rumored party attendees: Mordor villain Sauron, former Republican villain Bill Clinton, Naomi Watts, Heath Ledger, me.